The 9 year old is quickly approaching 10, which in our little world = days full of smartassedness and snark.

Here is just a sampling of some of the comments she’s made over the last few weeks. I’ve got my hands full and can’t imagine what it will be like in a few more years. I may be sending out the smoke signals sooner than later.

• After asking a question and me delaying a response she had this to say:

“My password journal responds faster than you do.” (And if you scream at me and throw me against the wall like you do with the journal…there’s going to be BIG trouble!)

• In response to me saying that she argues about everything with me:

“Not everything, only 1/12^th of everything.” (Damn her teacher for teaching her fractions!)

• After discussing the fact that knee socks are worn in the fall/winter, not in July she says:

“Oh well, it’s a free country, and I’m wearing them.” (Have at it, sister; those shorts and tank top look splendid with knee socks.)

• After spending the day at the girl’s program she’s in this summer and having to deal with a cranky, underachieving program director she had this to say:

“Ms. Xxxx wasn’t very nice today. She was a shit.”

Um, yeah, so if anyone is interested in borrowing an almost 10 year old for the next few years please let me know.

]]> http://2lazydogs.wordpress.com/2008/07/22/snark-from-the-snark-girl/feed/ 2lazydogs http://2lazydogs.wordpress.com/2008/07/19/stop-bugging-me/ http://2lazydogs.wordpress.com/2008/07/19/stop-bugging-me/#comments Sat, 19 Jul 2008 13:43:59 +0000 2lazydogs http://2lazydogs.wordpress.com/?p=709

I’m sitting on my deck innocently trying to catch up on my blog reading when all of a sudden I feel something on my foot. I writhe a bit and let out my typical I-can’t-get-this-off-of-my-body-soon-enough squeal as I swat whatever creature has decided to land on me away. But…oh no…this thing doesn’t move. BECAUSE it’s a huge frickin’ insect that has apparently attached itself to my foot with its sticky clawed legs. Ugh. Most of you are not aware that I am plagued by Insectus Giganticus Syndrome. I blogged about it last year here.

Now, I can handle bugs - most bugs, that is. I’ve lived in apartments above bars/restaurants before and was accustomed to having cockroaches crawl about my body whilst drunkenly passed out on my futon…and was also accustomed to watching said insects scurry in swarms down my drain when I turned on the kitchen light. No big deal.

Here’s the problem. I live in New York…not Florida, not Arizona…not in a state that is commonly known for LARGE, mutant insects. If a bug is larger than my thumb then there’s a problem. It should be living in another state. Not here.

So, when I go to swat this insect off of my foot and feel its sticky, squishy body, I, of course, investigate. To my shock and horror it is some horrific, prehistoric looking thing. It plays dead as I remove it from my foot.

It’s just nasty, nasty…would you want that mofo clinging to your foot? I think not.

The dogs hear me freaking out so they come to investigate.

Ridley starts salivating immediately (you can see little specks of dog spit on the deck) because he loves bugs and thinks he’s about to have a meal.

I love this photo - he thinks if he looks at it out of the corner of his eye the bug won’t notice him.

The dogs LOVE bugs. Ridley has been known to play with cicadas for hours and hours…just watching them flutter and hiss and spin. Ick. Gus, he likes the big, nasty scarab beetles that somehow find their way into my house. He got one last week and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why he was foaming at the mouth. My daughter yelled, “Oh no, he has rabies”. Um, no. Eventually, I found the culprit. Another fine black scarab specimen.

The first such scarab that we found in the house was captured, put in a jar and fondly named “Midnight”. My daughter insisted we keep him/her. I, of course, refused. We set it free in the back yard as she cried, “Goodbye, Midnight, I’ll miss you.” Goodbye is right. And don’t come back.

A few months later I stumbled upon an Oleander Hawk Moth. Now, the moth was not as bad. It was quite interesting and I even let the thing crawl around on my hand for a photo op.

THAT was a BIG frickin’ insect. Just look at the wing span!

And then there were the cicada killer wasps. *Gulp* I seriously thought that I had stepped into “Land of the Lost” when I walked into my kitchen one evening to find a wasp the size of a small bird swooping around the ceiling. My first instinct was to run like hell. But I was in my own home, where would I go?

Nope, that’s not my hand holding the nasty wasps…are you kidding? I will only go so far for the sake of a photo op…and holding giant wasps would be going too far for this damsel.

Now, I will say that I don’t really like to kill bees of any sort but the first time I encountered the cicada killer wasp I was so panicked that I grabbed a broom and a can of bug spray and shot the sucker out of the sky then beat it with a broom. I was literally shaking…and trying to figure out why my house had been selected for this mutant insect experiment conspiracy.

That was not the only cicada killer wasp incident. I still get them every so often. But at least now I know what they are so I stifle the scream and just deal with them.

The bug this evening was not that big compared to what I’ve witnessed in the past. It was just…nasty looking, plus it was crawling on my leg and it had no business doing that. Eeeewwww.

I let the pooches play with it - only because I wanted to get some interesting photos to share with you so you, too, can be creeped out. You’re welcome.

It didn’t flutter, didn’t hiss, didn’t flop about. It just played dead so they lost interest and I took a stick and swatted it into the yard. Ick. No more big bugs, please. I’d be very happy if I didn’t see another insectus giganticus this year.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to mmmmmeeeeee, Happy Birthday to me! Yes, another year has come and gone. But, hey, when you’re full of youth like me (heh) what’s one more year? I’m one of those gals that likes to make a big deal of the birthday…always have, always will. I’d spread it out for weeks if I could. This year I get to celebrate for a full 3 days. Woo hoo!

The festivites began last night when we met for our usual Wednesday night cocktails & conversation at the lake. Everyone did a great job of keeping the birthday bash hush, hush…even the daughter. As I was engrossed in conversation with friends the owner of the restaurant (where we get together) comes walking out with a HUGE cake and everyone starts singing. Yay me!

Then the cards and presents started flowing. A very, very dear friend had a ring made especially for my birthday :

Turquoise…my favorite, and my favorite color. Yipee for birthdays! Yes, I have long fingers…and fat knuckles so I need a BIG bonking ring.

More pressies:

YUM. The girl child got me this dark, delicious chocolate.

And my bestest friend, J, who is visiting from Florida got me a fine bottle of vino. I’ll (we’ll) be drinking that this evening.

Sis got me this fine cutting board along with a bag full o’ goodies that I didn’t take pics of. Love the bamboo. Folks, run out and get yourself bamboo utensils and a cutting board - they won’t stain, split, or get moldy. (How’s that for advertising?)

And then the cake (well, what’s left of it):

It was HUGE…and delicious! Thanks, Julie - you’re the best! And that is all that is left. Sorry, I didn’t save enough for everyone. That was it for the pre-birthday festivities. Oh, and then I came home and closed out the day by talking to my love. What could be better?

This morning my child served me breakfast in bed and then we all gathered at the lake for coffee. Now I’m headed to the pool for some birthday relaxation and tanning. Tomorrow evening is the girl’s night/birthday dinner celebration. We’ll be dining lake-side once again and will surely have a grand ol’ time.

Continuing on with the randomness that is my life, I’ve decided to share some photos that are near and dear to my heart. Here is my beach:

Well, it’s technically not “my” beach…but I like to think of it that way…just as I like to think of myself as King of the Mountain. Heh. Isn’t it loverly? I enjoy it immensely. And cannot (I repeat, cannot) wait until I can walk along this beach hand and hand with the one I love. *sigh* (wait, are those lyrics from a song? If not, they should be…gag)

These are my faves. I took them for my dearest, darling Dead Charming…

And some more shots of the beach and the lighthouse (yes! a lighthouse) As a matter of fact, this lighthouse is the very first public building in the United States to be illuminated with natural gas (how about that, a little history lesson thrown in there for you). First, the harbor:

And the lighthouse:

The clouds were magnificent on this day so I had to include a few pictures:

The dogs got to do their favorite thing today (well, Gus’s favorite thing, Ridley’s not too sure about it):

Look at how happy that Gus boy is. He’s smiling! Ridley looks traumatized and just wants to get the hell out. Unfortunately, I missed getting the shot of Ridley panicking and trying to climb up the side of the dock. We had to yank him out of the water, poor thing. I think he just has too much fur and it weighs him down when he’s wet. But, he has webbed feet…he should like to swim, dammit. I also didn’t manage to get a shot of him trying to climb on his brother’s back while swimming. Poor Gus probably feels like one of those kids at the community pool who everyone clings to because they’re a better swimmer. I was sure I was going to have to do some doggie resuscitation, but everyone made it out okay. Phew.

SPLASH!

That’s it for today, kids. I’ll be back with more in a bit.

Mercedes over at Mercede’s World passed this award on to me and in keeping with my “Love” theme for this month I’d like to share this with each and every one of you on my blogroll…I love you all. You make me laugh, cry, think, spit coffee at my computer screen, you inspire me, and sometimes even make me puke in my mouth a little bit. I’m not going to have a chance to tag everyone personally with this but if you stop by just pick up the award…and share the love!

This award was created by Memoirs of a Mommy. It’s a very special award that she created in Honor Of The Donor That Saved (her son) Noah’s Life. Noah received a heart transplant, and she hopes that by passing this award around the blogosphere everyone can help raise awareness of the need for Organ Donation.

The rules of this award are: SHARE THE LOVE!!! Share this award with all those blogs out there that you love. All the people who make you smile. All those that make you laugh. All those that make your day. All those that leave uplifting comments on your blog.

**All I ask, is that you include a link to this post with the award and ask your recipients to do the same**

While over at Lingerie and Dishpan Hands I was reading her post about the things she wanted to do before she died. Her post reminded me of a certain incident - a hot air balloon ride - that I had taken. Yeah, one of those things you want to do before you die - or in my case, almost get killed whilst doing it.

Once upon a time, actually about twelve years ago, my sister and I befriended a couple of men. One of these men was in the “ballooning” business. The hot air balloon business was a very lucrative business at the time as rides were going for $200 per person. My sis and I had always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon but didn’t have the cash at the time to afford such a lavish adventure. So, we chatted up our friends at dinner one evening and somehow managed to talk them into taking us up in the balloon - for a free ride. Woo hoo!

It was a lovely July evening. The weather was perfect, not a cloud in the sky. My sister and I made our way over to a spot near the lake where the balloon was waiting. They wanted to take us over the lake and then up towards the hills. Great. We were excited…and a bit trepidatious. I wasn’t exactly keen on the fact that the only thing between our bodies and a 500 foot drop to earth was a mere wicker basket. But, I was young and adventurous and off we went!

We arrived as the men were preparing the balloon for take off. They were very professional, explaining all the steps as they prepared the balloon and gondola, and answering any questions the two of us had. And of course, my only question was, “Have you ever crashed?” The pilot assured me that he, indeed, had never crashed but had had some ‘rough’ landings. That set our minds at ease and we climbed aboard adn were off. Believe it or not, I was able to round up some photos of the event:

My sis and the guys readying the balloon…while I stand back, watch and take photos.

My sis and the back of my scraggly head (hey, it was windy up there, what’s a girl to do? Ick, and what’s with the nasty washed-out blond color? Why didn’t anyone tell me it looked heinous?) as we approach the lake. Hmmm…the pilot is obviously taking this photo…oh no, who’s flying the thing?

So, we have a lovely take-off, cruise all over the country side, fly over the lake, and scare the crap out of handfuls of cattle, horses, deer…and some dogs on our little adventure. The pilot has a radio so he is in constant contact with ‘the chaser’ - the person on the ground driving around waiting for us to land. The ride is going smoothly as we head toward the hills. And then, suddenly, a gust of wind comes from nowhere. We are soaring slightly lower than we should be, the pilot shouts, “Everyone grab onto something, hold on tight and DON’T let go!” Oh crap. As those words come out of his mouth the wind jags the balloon and sends us careening toward the ground. The basket of the balloon hits the side of a hill and we start to spill on top of each other as the basket tips sideways. We bounce, drag, tip, bounce a bit more. As the basket bounces off the ground once more the pilot hits the blast valve and gets us back into the air quickly. We start to right ourselves and climb off of one another. We all inspect ourselves for injuries. Everyone is unscathed…except me. I’m not terribly injured but as we crashed I managed to slam my leg into the fire extinguisher. A huge gash on my leg is bleeding pretty badly. Luckily we have a first aid kit so we grab a handful of bandaids adn patch me up. Good as new.

As we are climbing into the air the pilot suddenly realizes that he has lost the radio in the crash. We have to back track to the field above the hill, land the balloon and all climb out and search for the radio in a field the size of two football fields…in the dusk. Talk about a needle in a haystack! Fortunately, the chaser has spotted us so she starts to squak on the radio and I eventually am able to pinpoint the location and grab the radio. Yay! The sun has almost set so we reluctantly climb back into the basket and are off into the skies again…this time, hopefully, without any mishaps. We do make it back to base safely, but are a bit shaken from the experience. I vow to never ride in an air balloon again as we head to the bar for drinks to calm our nerves!

The last photo taken as we head past the lake and toward the hills to our fateful crash landing.

Honestly, it wasn’t a dreadful experience, I can look back now and laugh about it. At the time we were a bit traumatized but I do think I could manage to take another balloon ride. It was probably my big mouth asking “Have you ever crashed?” that set the stage for this ride.

Yep, you got it, another meme…because my brain is too shot from all the fireworks and noise yesterday to write anything profound. Ready, set, go…

1. Last movie you saw in a theater? Mim‘s Island, and yes, I cried.

2. What book are you reading? “The History of Love” – Nicole Krauss; “How to Practice the Way to a Meaningful Life” - Dalai Lama; and several others that I started, put down, and haven’t picked up in a while because I’m too busy blogging…shame on me!

3. Favorite board game? Scrabble, but I haven’t actually played board scrabble in a long while…I play it on satellite now, ‘cause I’m all technical and stuff.

4. Favorite magazine(s)? Country Living…because I’m a country gal; Bon Appetite…because I can never have TOO many recipes/ideas.

5. Favorite smells? Lavender, lavender, lavender…oh, and crayons, and lilacs, and Yankee Candle balsam & cedar.

6. Favorite sounds? Waves at the beach, pouring rain. (Get that water theme?)

7. Worst feeling in the world? Out of control anger/rage

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? Oh, that’s easy, the one who has my heart… my Charming Prince…*blushes*

9. Favorite fast food place? Don’t really eat fast food, but if I had to choose I’d say McD’s – for their Asian Chicken Salad and their fries. But I’m partial to Burger King’s Whoppers – which I haven’t had in about 8 months…mmmm, now I’m hungry.

10. Future child’s name? If there is another…Charlotte or Alexander or Hannah or Maxwell (pretty decisive, aren’t I? Heh)

11. Finish this statement. “If I had a lot of money I’d….? remodel my kitchen, or better yet, buy a brand new house with a huge kitchen (and a library *wink*), buy myself a brand spankin’ new Honda CRV, take a fab vacation to Europe with my love.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Not anymore. *blushes* I gave up teddy a few years ago. But I do like to have my arms around something…so it’s either one of the dogs or DC…

13. Storms - cool or scary? Cool

14. Favorite juice? Cranberry

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the spare time I would….”? Clean my house. Ha!

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli? Of course!

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice? Um…I’ve got three colors in there now…and have tried many throughout the years – blond, dark brown, red. I think I’d stick with reddish/brown.

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in? Only two…quite boring, really

19. Favorite sports to watch? Don’t really watch sports…but live baseball is my fave

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you? Ha…no one sent it…I stole it… from Red, I think…so I’ll use her – she awesomely honest and she’s got spunk, how could you NOT love her?

21. What’s under your bed? Lots o’ dust bunnies, and boxes full of linens.

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again? Yes, if I could come back knowing what I know now.

23. Morning person, or night owl? Definitely a night owl. Me + morning = grrrrrrrr.

24. Over easy or sunny side up? Over easy, baby.

25. Favorite place to relax? The beach or my deck.

26. Favorite pie? Red raspberry…or blueberry.

27. Favorite ice cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip.

28. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first? No tagging going on here…as always, take it if you like!

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