I am an addict. That is a frickin’ hard statement to make about oneself. I’m not addicted to alcohol, food, drugs; no…this is much more complicated. I am a love addict. At first I just laughed when I heard about this type of addiction but the more my therapist and I explored the subject, and the more I read on the subject it became clear that this is what I am suffering from. Don’t they always say that the first step to healing is acknowledgement? Well, that first step is a doozie! You want to deny it, fight it at every turn, or laugh it off. I want to give a ton of thanks to Don’t Date That Dude for posting “Are you Addicted to Love?” because finding and reading that post gave me the first inkling that I am indeed addicted.
As I answered “yes” to all of the questions on the blog, I began to sob in disbelief. I’ve always known that there was something ‘just not right’ about my relationships, but it was very hard to own the fact that I’m addicted to love. Even harder was the fact that this addiction was caused by some lack of connection/nurturing from my childhood. My parents are great and I couldn’t imagine that they had done anything wrong in their child rearing practices. After all, there are three children and why did I, the first born, end up like this? It turns out that it is not just all about how my parents raised me, but has to do with my personality and my perception that at some point in my early life I felt abandoned. It could be that my Mom was so busy raising three kids (with a span of only 2 years between each) that I, as the eldest, felt somewhat left out. I was always very clingy and needy and I have very vivid memories of my Mom brushing me off – literally – she’d have to wrench me away from her leg. Or other times when she’d say, “Just go play with your sister and stay out of my hair!”, when I was whining and needing to be with her.
So, now, years down the road I am struggling with this addiction. It is not only an addiction that occurs between myself and significant others, but has occurred between myself and my daughter.
You see, a love addict searches for something outside of the self that will provide them with emotional and life stability. The experts liken it to a fantasy (similar to a childhood fairy tale – maiden being rescued by a handsome prince) and when that fantasy fails to be their reality the addict eventually reverts back to childhood abandonment issues.
For me, my last relationship became skewed and was based on “whether or not he would leave me”. Everything seemed fine until he started a new job which involved overtime and weekend hours. It became all about me – how would he have time to spend with me, wasn’t I important any more? I was making more and more demands on him and no matter what he did I was not satisfied. I was convinced that he didn’t want to spend time with me and was dedicating his time to his work so he wouldn’t have to be with me. When I felt my needs were not being met I became resentful and angry. I felt abandoned. I knew I should have been happy, but wasn’t. I was in a relationship but felt very alone.
And now the fun part…the withdrawal stage. Things got so bad for me in my relationship that I had to end it. He was a terrific person and I really gave him a run for his money. The hardest part is acknowledging that my addiction is the reason for this failed relationship. As with any addiction you have to quit ‘cold turkey’. That is not an easy thing to do. How do you tell someone you love that you cannot see them or speak to them? For me I just had to make it clear that I needed him completely out of my life. No contact. Period. You can imagine the pain it has caused. It’s like being an alcoholic and wanting that drink so fucking badly that it just kills you inside. You tell yourself that you want it, you need it and when you keep it from yourself you become so fucking angry and bitter. You start blaming everyone but yourself for the situation you are in. You know that you have to stay away but you think that having it will ease your pain.
So, here I go down the road to recovery. The most painful part is knowing that I’ve lost a very special and important person in my life. I’ve had to give up my best friend. The pain is so excruciating it cannot be described.
Even though this addiction has caused so much turmoil in my life and has made it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship, I look forward to moving on and healing. I know it will be a lot of work and will require a life long commitment – but I am worth it.
Wow you have taken a really big step. I applaud you for it. Most people will never realize what is going on. You are in the, I don’t know 10 percent. I know it’s really, really hard. I’m glad you are talking to a therapist. And again, Good For You!
I totally applaud your courage. It must have been so hard to say goodbye to your best friend. Will you never see him again? Do you think it would be best to just start over with someone new when you’re healthier emotionally? Or do you plan on getting back together with him when you’re better? How do you know when you’re better?
Sorry, so many questions, but I’m really interested in your situation. I hope it works out for you.
dontdatethatdude: thank you for your comments. I’m just glad I came across your blog or otherwise I may have never known about this addiction! It is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I just keep hoping that day by day I will recover.
abarclay12: It was SUPER difficult saying goodbye to him-the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I cried so hard I just about passed out! I’ve told him that I want no contact but there are days when I just want to reach out to him. He was my best friend and it is very difficult not being able to talk to him.
I’m not sure how long it will take to get better. My therapist says it could be as short as 3 months or as long as 3 years. Yikes. I will most likely have to deal with this my whole life, just making sure that it is always in check. Fortunately, its not as restraining as being an alcoholic where the addict can no longer partake in the drink. I guess I’ll just have to be very cautious in my next relationship and always be looking for the signs that I’m becoming addicted. Kinda creepy, huh?
You know, I’d love nothing more than to be back with him but I think there were just too many other elements that didn’t work in the relationship, and I think I’ve caused so much pain for him that he’d never consider getting back together.
Whoa, sorry that was so long. I should have just started another post: answers to abarclay’s questions!
Thanks for your thoughts. And hey…I love (not in an addictive kind of way) your blog. Your sense of humor always cheers me up! Hope you don’t mind that I added you to my blogroll.
Love your blog!! Check out my blog when you get a chance…. http://www.rpigate.wordpress.com
John
No, thanks for adding me to your blogroll. I keep thinking of your situation, and I went straightaway to dontdatethatguy’s site to see if I’m also addicted to love, and I don’t know – when you don’t want to be something, you find ways to answer no the questions, but a lot of them rang true for me. I think I’m afraid of being alone even though I’m alone all the time.
Anyhow, hang in there man. You’re doing this for you, and I’m really proud of you.
Hi there. i’ve just come to the realisation that i’m a love addict after reading ‘don’t date that dude’ site and now your blog….
whoa, this stuff is freaking me out. i am in tears now about this realisation that i’m addicted to love. i have been like all the way through ALL my relationships since the age of 13. I’m now 27.
i answered ‘yes’ to every single question regarding whether you’re a love addict or not. by the way, i’m dating a recovering drug addict whom i’m about to get married to!
your blog has helped me to see the truth about me…..
thankyou
i’m gonna get some help now.
I’m glad you were able to find the truth! I think realization is the hardest part. I highly recommend Pia Mellody’s book “Facing Love Addiction”, it helped me immensely. I wish you the best!
2LD
I have never sought help on-line before but got to a point where I wasn’t finding answers to a love addiction which evolved over a two-year period. Never did I think I would get answers from reading blogs. I feel like I struck gold with yours.
I am a married woman with children in my late forties who became involved in a friendly sort of way with a divorced father. His experiences and shared knowledge on his failed marriage helped shed light on why my marriage was so unstable. His past marriage mirrored mine in so many ways. What I did not realize was his ulterior motive. I became his conquest, and he won.
We all know this doesn’t have a happy ending. There is no such thing except in fairy tales. He has moved on but we’ve remained friends. What he doesn’t know is the absolute wreck I’ve become. I fit every characteristic that describes a love-obsessed person. A frightening realization and one I feel I cannot control. I hope the woman who wrote this blog reaches out to me. I’ve not divulged all, but enough admit my addiction.
I enjoyed reading your blog.
We have something in common. I am a love addict also.
I am currently undergoing a 12-step support group, which is helpful, but I find the most healing outlet is in being creative.
You strike me as a creative soul as well.
All the passion and intensity I used to invest in my relationship, I now take to a writing forum. And photography. It excites me, and makes me think, “Damn, girl, you are awesome!”
Not that I’m without my bad days. But those, too, pass. I wish you luck. I’ll definitely be back to check on you.
-Smiles!
Hey BizyLizy,
Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoy my blog. I did a similar 12-step process when I was in therapy. Doesn’t it stink that just like with any addiction you have to go through this?
I found that writing was the most helpful for me. And now that I’m slowly coming out of my fog I’m starting to get the creative juices flowing – starting an online store with handcrafted coasters, magnets, picture frames.
You’re right…not every day is perfect, and the bad days really tear me apart. But…there are fewer and fewer of those.
I wish you luck also…and will pop over to your blog and check it out!
thanks for sharing. my relationship with my boyfriend took a turn about the time you posted this. he was my best friend too. i’ve always had codependent love addictive traits in all the relationships i’ve had as an adult for the past 16 years but didn’t begin to realize what the problem was until after he broke up with me a couple of months ago (because of jealousy and fears). like you said, the pain is intense. i’m caught between a rock and a hard place wanting to hear from him and cutting all contact with him. my body physically is going through withdrawals and the anxiety has heightened my emotional state beyond belief. i find myself waking up thinking about him, going to be thinking of him–and that’s not even all the hours in between. i’m not ready to cut off all contact with him, but the more i’m reading and hearing from people, maybe it’s something i need to do. i’m very scared and fearful of having this kind of emptiness in my life and am hesistant to do so. nothing seems to fill that void or make things better for me. anniversaries are the worst. a year ago this next week, we went on a vacation down to mexico, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. where do i put that joy now? how do i let go of that. i read that depression and the concomitent anger / fear / hopelessness comes from being stuck between your mind letting go of your loved one and your heart accepting that the relationship has ended. these days, i truly am depressed. it’s more than an effort to hold my head up on a minute-to-minute basis and realize that this isn’t a life or death situation but more of a product of my poor self-esteem and abandonment anxiety. i’m doing the work to get better, to focus more on my independence, but the process is long and frustrating.
Hi Jay,
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear that your relationship ended. It is one of the toughest things to go through. I liken it to a death (I probably shouldn’t be that dramatic, but for me that is what it felt like). I had to go the no-contact route. I know from experience that if I remain in contact with an ex my mind will work overtime on trying to grasp any inkling of hope…and once I have an inkling I run with it. And then the cycle continues and I get hurt all over again.
I know it doesn’t seem like things will get better…but in time they will. It is coming up on 7 months since my breakup and I still have bad days. It is a struggle with my own mind. I am my own worst enemy. Just when I think I’m doing fine my mind conjures up some scenario. And that scenario gets played over and over in my head until I feel like I’m going to lose control. I have to talk myself down and reaffirm that the relationship IS over and that I will find someone else. I agree, the anniversaries, and birthdays are hard. You just have to keep your mind busy with something else.
I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but the key is really to focus on yourself right now. I spent a great deal of time reading self-help books, going to therapy, spending time with close friends, writing, and meeting people in similar situations through my blog. That is truly what got me through. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through this…it happens to everyone. Be good to yourself and try to stay focused on things that are important to you. If you ever need to talk please feel free to contact me at 2lazydogs @ gmail {dot} com
I’ve got issues with abandonment. I was physically abandoned by my father (he left when I was 2) and emotionally abandoned by my mother. So, I relate to a lot of what you say in this post. Because of a lot of these things, I landed a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder when I was 23. I’m 25 now.
Eek. Sorry to hear that, Becca. It’s amazing to me how our past can have such an effect on us (even from such an early age). I don’t think I ever would have recognized my abandonment issues if I hadn’t had therapy. But, once recognized, we can work with what we have learned and try to live a normal semblance of life.
I understand the part about it being easier to leave him than to stay and experience the pain of withdrawal even while in the relationship.
When I think back now I can’t believe I got so entangled. Thank God for alanon and self help books, not to mention therapy. The most important thing my therapist ever taught me was the statement “It’s not about HIM, it’s about YOU”
I heard her say it many times, but one day… it clicked.
I hope you keep fighting the good fight, girl!
Jayden
Hi Jayden,
Yes, the hardest part was, indeed, leaving. I never would have imagined that I’d be in a position where I had to make a decision to leave the person I loved in order to save myself. As time passes and I heal, I can look back and see that the relationship was NOT what it seemed. I was so in love with the idea of being in love…and with the idea that this man would become what I wanted that I lost sight of who I was. It’s a very hard lesson to learn that you are the person that needs your love and respect the most.
Thank you for your kind words.