1. My uncle once: had a double life – he lived with another woman while he was still married to my aunt, and no one had a clue about it.
2. Never in my life: have I used the restroom on an airplane. Ick…it freaks me out.
3. When I was five: I peed on my cot while taking a nap in kindergarten and didn’t tell the teacher. I had a skirt on so I managed to hike it up enough to not get it wet, but I must have sat around in my dirty pee panties the rest of the day!
4. High School was: a drunken blast; my friend volunteered at the local hospital and helped himself to syringes which we used to inject vodka into our oranges that we would eat throughout the day.
5. I will never forget: my name(unless I get Alzheimer’s, or brain damage, or…)
6. I once met: Dr. Ruth Westheimer – even had dinner with her. Woo hoo!
7. There’s this girl I know who: needs a punch in the face.
8. Once, at a bar: I made out with my sister’s boyfriend.
9. By noon, I’m usually: ready to go home, take a leisurely 2 hr. lunch and walk the dogs.
10. Last night: I went to a bar and flirted with the produce man from my grocery store. I think I mentioned something about him liking my melons. Ha!
11. If I only had: a million fucking dollars – I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this crap!
12. Next time I go to church: will be for someone’s wedding – or for someone’s funeral.
13. Terry Shiavo: sad, should have pulled the plug sooner. If my family did that to me I’d haunt them forever.
14. What worries me most: do I have to narrow it down? Being alone; not knowing what I want to do when I grow up.
15. When I turn my head left, I see: a piece of cardboard in place of the piece of glass that used to be my window – before my dog tried to jump through it.
16. When I turn my head right, I see: my beer.
17. You know I’m lying when: I don’t tell the truth, duh?
18. What I miss most about the eighties: the music, and my wicked pink striped hair.
19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: Juliet. I’m so fucking dramatic and tragic.
20. By this time next year: I hope I’m living somewhere else and traveling more.
21. A better name for me would be: hmmm? Ms. Dissatisfaction.
22. I have a hard time understanding: how people can be so stupid.
23. If I ever go back to school I’ll: try not to date any youngsters.
24. You know I like you if: in a drunken stupor I tell you to “Don’t ever leave me”.
25. If I ever win an award, the first person I’d thank would be: depends on what the award is for.
26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: are people who have nothing in common.
27. Take my advice, never: kiss someone in their naughty places after eating hot peppers.
28. My ideal breakfast is: eggs benedict, eaten in a hotel room while on a vacation far from here!
29. A song I love, but do not own is: too many to mention.
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You rethink your travel destination.
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: are things I don’t have.
32. Why won’t people: just shut up?
33. If you spend the night at my house: you’d better not be allergic to animals because I live in a freakin’ zoo.
34. I’d stop my wedding for: absolutely nothing – if someone is actually willing to marry me, shit…get on with it!
35. The world could do without: bad drivers.
36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: be puked on.
37. My favorite blonde is: my dog.
38. Paper clips are more useful than: medical instruments, apparently. Once, I broke my big toe and had a huge blood clot that formed underneath the nail. My Mom took me to this freakish doctor who, took one look, grabbed a paperclip, unbent it, held it up to a match and drilled that hot sucka into my frickin’ toe nail. You should have seen the fucking fountain of blood. Awesome.
39. If I do anything well, it’s: complain.
40. And by the way: shut the fuck up.