It happened in high school and it’s happening now. Frankly, I’m not terribly fond of the fact that my defense mechanism for self-preservation is being a bitch, but hey, when you find something that works for you…go with it.
I was picked on quite a bit in high school and I grew a very thick skin from all the ridicule. I was not about to cry and run away when anyone harassed me. I stood there and took it; sometimes it was so horrific that all I wanted to do was scream and run away, but I had a mission – I wanted to prove that I was bigger and better than they were. No one was going to break me. I could take it…and the more I took, the thicker my skin became. I copped a major attitude. I became a bitch. Eventually, they knew better than to lay it on me. I didn’t mind my new found assertiveness. I had power. I was no longer someone that could be messed with.
Gradually, I shed the bitchiness. I didn’t need it any longer. Oh, it flared up every once in a while when I needed it, but for the most part it was gone. These days I find myself needing it. Needing it to get through this rough point – needing it to defend myself against life. I feel like I’ve been the nice girl for too long and it’s gotten me nowhere. I’m so fucking fed up with everyone and everything. I’m bitter, and once again I’ve become a bitch. It helps me get through, for some reason it makes me feel in control and invincible. Nothing can shake me. So, for now I’ll keep my thicker skin, my ‘I’ll take no shit from anyone attitude’…until someone or something breaks me (which will inevitably happen) and I shed it once again. But for now I’m keeping it, I like the way it feels. Look out ya’ll…the bitch, she be back!!