Blah…that’s it…that’s just how I feel. I hate the feelings that this illness creates. I’m so tired of struggling with love addiction. I do have good days, but it seems like the bad outweigh the good as of late. It has a great deal to do with my own negative self-talk. You know?…the stuff that floats around in your brain making you crazy – the stuff that you say to yourself. Things like…”I’ll never be happy”, “I’m just not good enough”, “I hate my life”, “Everything is my fault”. It’s an easy trap to fall into – the hard part is talking yourself out of it. In therapy your taught to practice positive self-talk but that’s easier said than done.
I do alright if I take my meds like a good girl, but I’m stubborn, and feel like I should be able to conquer this on my own. Funny – I can talk myself into being strong and fighting this illness and at the same time I can dig myself deeper and deeper into despair just by my own self-talk. It’s a constant internal battle.
My mind likes to hold on to the past. I am not good with change. I admit it. So, when I face a major change all I want to do is curl up into a ball – OR – be back in my previous situation. Why? Why would I want to be back in a situation that was making me miserable? Because people like me would rather stay in a familiar, unhappy situation than try something new. I know it sounds crazy but that’s exactly the way I feel. I am fully aware that I am responsible for making myself happy – but sometimes it takes a great deal of convincing after going through a situation such as this. As anyone facing addiction knows, it’s hard to bring yourself to acknowledge that the thing you want the most is the thing that makes you feel the worst. Is anybody getting sick of hearing this? I am.
I believe that I am mistaking my feelings. It’s difficult for me to acknowledge that what I am actually feeling is anger/grief/disbelief over the end of a relationship – not over my perceived need, want or wish to be back in the relationship. It’s a matter of accepting these feelings for what they are and not morphing them into something they’re not. Then there is the other issue I struggle with constantly – have I ever truly been in love or have I always just been ‘in love’ with the idea of being in love? Do I just fall in love with the ‘idea’ of the person? How will I know for sure? What if I start to fall into the same patterns in my next relationship?
All of these thoughts pile up into one huge festering burden for me…and then, all it takes is a quick encounter with one smiling, happy person (someone who has absolutely no idea what I’m going through right now) who, out of the blue, says “You are worth much more than you think!” And WHAM! I think, shit…I can get through this…no, wait, I KNOW I can get through this!
Two Lazy Dogs 
This was really honest and great writing. I can relate so well to how you are feeling. I have days like that too. You are really working on this I think your own determination will see you through to the other side. I love the end of this post. I have a “comedic” friend who I call, and by the end of the conversation I’m laughing and over it!
Thanks. Its funny because I’ve been doing really well these past few months but then I get a frickin’ drunken text message from the ex and that starts the wheels spinning all over again! Sometimes my mind feels like a yo-yo…its all over the place and its hard for me to stop with the over-analyzing.
You ARE worth more than you think! I hates the days I feel like this! I hope this will make you feel better: I have something for you on my blog!
WOOF!
Thanks so much!! You really know how to cheer a gal up – you’re the best!
oops~double posted. feel free to delete one!
Toodles
You are a great gal! Now go out and show the world…you can do it!
I know you can, what are you still doing here reading my pointless comment, Go Girl Go!
P.S. if you are still here reading this…just wanted to let ya know I love your nifty thrifty site! You got style girl…I may have to hire you to update my place, it’s a rednecks dream.
Aw, gee, thanks. You are the sweetest – really, you are!! Thanks for the comment about my new site – I try to work with what I have and hope everyone enjoys it!
I can see why you would be upset about drunken texting. The fact that he is out getting drunk while you are working so hard on yourself shows a big difference in your character and his. You are an inspiration to me through all of this, especially the fact that you didn’t cave, you saw what it was and you left! And you didn’t cave when he texted! And you wrote about it! What more can I say? You are marvelous!
Thank you so much, you have no idea how much your words mean to me!! Please know that you have been an inspiration for me through this tough time. But, honesty, I did cave and contacted him after I received his text…I’m not as strong as you think! I’m trying to stand firm and hopefully will not cave if it happens again.
Ditto what Dontdatethatdude said! Glad I browsed your blog! I love your emotional and rather frank writing style…:)
I have that internal dialogue all the time: one day high, next day low and what centers me are the people in my life. I have a great circle of people in my life that, when things seem darkest, they reach out and pull me back to reality. I love your emotional and rather frank writing style…:)
Thanks so much for your comment, I’m glad you browsed! Yes, I do tend to be rather frank but sometimes I just feel better getting EVERYTHING off my chest. I also have a tendency to be potty-mouthed but sometimes talking (or writing, rather) like a truck driver feels so liberating!! I also have a great circle of people in my life – thank goodness they are here to ground me.
whoops, I repeated myself in one post,….my proofreading skills seriously need some work
The state of yo-yo is not always fun, but you seem to have a remarkable way of bouncing back; if it helps to write about it, you really should keep it up, because what you write is not only relatable, but very engrossing; I’m SO feelin’ this post!!! 😉
Thanks! It does help to write, I’m just sorry you folks have to put up with all of my bitchin’ and moanin’! Honestly, all of my blogroll “you go, girl” support really helps get me through these yo-yo phases.
I SO agree with what DDTD says. Let your ex get drunk every night and be stupid! Your maturity and self-control are an inspiration to everyone! Way to go!
Thanks!
So what if you contacted him, we all have moments of weakness, you moved through it and came out on the other side with more knowledge. It’s a win/win. Cause you know it’s just more of the same. 🙂 I applaud you for your honesty and integrity here! You are strong! To coin a phrase, you rock! 🙂
Thanks again! I’m feeling much better today…you know…the moods they come and go! 🙂
I slept for about 2 and a half hours. I hate when I can’t sleep, but at least I have some good reading to keep me company. I do my fair share of the yo-yo thing, but I throw in a dash of pure pissed off anger to mix it up a bit. Happy and sad just don’t cut it for me. I’m glad to hear you are feeling better. Looking back never looks as bad as when you’re swimming in it. One day at a time. Keep your head up. You are better than that. 😉
Thanks…I appreciate that! Sleeping only 2 1/2 hrs?? Ugh. I’d be EVIL – I need at least 7 hrs. uninterrupted or it ain’t perdy!
I did the pissed-off-bad-ass-bitch stint for a bit. Sometimes ya just have to get it out or it will eat you up inside.