Blah…that’s it…that’s just how I feel. I hate the feelings that this illness creates. I’m so tired of struggling with love addiction. I do have good days, but it seems like the bad outweigh the good as of late. It has a great deal to do with my own negative self-talk. You know?…the stuff that floats around in your brain making you crazy – the stuff that you say to yourself. Things like…”I’ll never be happy”, “I’m just not good enough”, “I hate my life”, “Everything is my fault”. It’s an easy trap to fall into – the hard part is talking yourself out of it. In therapy your taught to practice positive self-talk but that’s easier said than done.
I do alright if I take my meds like a good girl, but I’m stubborn, and feel like I should be able to conquer this on my own. Funny – I can talk myself into being strong and fighting this illness and at the same time I can dig myself deeper and deeper into despair just by my own self-talk. It’s a constant internal battle.
My mind likes to hold on to the past. I am not good with change. I admit it. So, when I face a major change all I want to do is curl up into a ball – OR – be back in my previous situation. Why? Why would I want to be back in a situation that was making me miserable? Because people like me would rather stay in a familiar, unhappy situation than try something new. I know it sounds crazy but that’s exactly the way I feel. I am fully aware that I am responsible for making myself happy – but sometimes it takes a great deal of convincing after going through a situation such as this. As anyone facing addiction knows, it’s hard to bring yourself to acknowledge that the thing you want the most is the thing that makes you feel the worst. Is anybody getting sick of hearing this? I am.
I believe that I am mistaking my feelings. It’s difficult for me to acknowledge that what I am actually feeling is anger/grief/disbelief over the end of a relationship – not over my perceived need, want or wish to be back in the relationship. It’s a matter of accepting these feelings for what they are and not morphing them into something they’re not. Then there is the other issue I struggle with constantly – have I ever truly been in love or have I always just been ‘in love’ with the idea of being in love? Do I just fall in love with the ‘idea’ of the person? How will I know for sure? What if I start to fall into the same patterns in my next relationship?
All of these thoughts pile up into one huge festering burden for me…and then, all it takes is a quick encounter with one smiling, happy person (someone who has absolutely no idea what I’m going through right now) who, out of the blue, says “You are worth much more than you think!” And WHAM! I think, shit…I can get through this…no, wait, I KNOW I can get through this!