After reading the post Dork’s Unite over at That’s What She Blogged I was inspired to make my very own list of dorkiness. Honestly, I wouldn’t really classify my moments as dorky, I’m more inclined to file most of them under “utter stupidity”. But hey, if I hadn’t done any of these things then you wouldn’t have anything amusing to read, now would you? Enjoy…and please remember – don’t try any of these stunts at home.
♦ At Christmas time I have a thing for stringing thousands of white lights on the shrubbery in front of my house. I believe the directions say to plug only 3 strands together, maximum – yeah, right, whatever. Several years ago I chose to string the lights on a day when it wasn’t quite snowing…it was more of a rain/slush combo. At one point I probably had 6 or 7 (okay, maybe 8 ) strands plugged together and one strand kept shorting. After further examination I found a fray in one of the strands and yep, you guessed it, with my cold, wet hands I touched it. ZzzzzzaaaaaPP! Motherfuckercocksucker, that frickin’ hurt.
♦ I often walk around my house in the dark without any problem. It was especially dark one evening (must have been a lot of cloud cover on that particular night) and as I exited my kitchen I whacked right into the doorway with my brow bone. Yep, you bet, woke up with a swollen eye and nice shiner the next morning.
♦ When I was in college I worked at a drive-thru grocery store. Cool, huh? This is just an aside and I’ll get to the dorktardedness in a moment; folks would drive up, order their cigs, milk, tuna fish, whatever and I’d grab it and hand it to them. How about that?…shopping without ever leaving your car. Anyhoo…There was a huge walk-in cooler that had a thermostat above the door. We were to adjust it nightly, accordingly. I had to mop the store every evening and one evening after mopping I reached up to adjust the thermostat (while the floor was still wet)…and guess what?….ZZzzzzaaaaPPPP! It shocked the shit out of me! I was so stunned I just stood there in disbelief. My arm ached for days after that incident.
♦ It was a brutally hot summer when I was pregnant with my daughter and I spent a great deal of time in the pool. One evening after swimming I swore that my water broke. Off to the hospital I went and they tested the fluid – nope, it wasn’t amniotic fluid…just pool water. Gross. I’m sure I heard the nurses snickering at me as I left the hospital.
♦ I have super-glued my fingers together so many times I’ve lost count. But I must add that most occurrences involved heavy drinking and gluing things that shouldn’t be glued (no, not fingers, silly!).
♦ When I was in high school I thought I’d be smart and ride one of those stationary spring animal rides for kiddies (see above picture) at our local playground. Not so smart. I leaned as far back as I could and whhhhooooshhhhh…I shot forward so fast that I was catapulted over the front of the ride and flipped onto my back where I lay – with my face directly under the molded plastic devil animal. Oh, did I mention I was riding the elephant? My head was directly under the frickin’ trunk of the beast and that trunk was coming at my forehead at lightning speed. THWACKKK, THWACKK, thwackk, thhhwaaack, thhhwaaack. I had a lovely, gargantuan goose egg smack dab in the middle of my forehead from that ride.
** Did you note that two of the incidents involved electricity? I’m pretty sure I was absent the day they talked about electricity and conductivity in science class.