Egg Sucker

Before dinner each night my daughter and I put on some music and proceed to sing and dance in the living room like crazy teenagers. Last night my child got angry with me over my choice of music for the evening. She, of course, wanted to hear Miley Cyrus (for the gazillionth evening in a row). I decided that we were going to listen to the Barenaked Ladies. She moaned and groaned and sat on the couch throwing out snarky comments such as, “I can’t even understand the words, how am I supposed to dance to this?”, “Umm, this music doesn’t make any sense”. I explained that she gets to choose the music night after night and it would be nice if we could listen to something different for a change. She wasn’t having it and stormed up to her room.

She came down for dinner and we didn’t speak of her little tirade the rest of the evening…and I, actually, never gave it another thought. That is, until this morning when I awoke, walked past her bedroom to find this written on the dry erase board that hangs on her door:

I snickered to myself (knowing full well it was directed at me) but didn’t make any mention of it to her – as this would only fuel her fire and she’d get exactly what she wanted – a rise out of me.

I then proceed to ready myself for the day and as I’m in the bathroom grabbing a tampon (sorry guys, the following may be a bit too graphic for you) I reach into the box to find this:

Oh goody, an egg! At this point I know exactly what I’m in for so, giggling, I open it to find this:

Mmmmm…fire balls (my favorite) plus this lovely hand written note. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. Then I thought to myself, “Should I be laughing or should I be heading straight for her with my ‘you’re in big trouble’ look?” I hear her coming up the stairs toward the bathroom so I quickly put everything back as if I’d not found it yet. She coyly peeks in the bathroom to see her handiwork undisturbed. So, now my job is to try and outwit the little shyster – to come up with the best punishment to fit the crime. Hmmm…I wonder how she feels about sucking an egg?

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Where’s Your Funny Bone, Ma’am?

The cancer center called today to confirm my MRI. The woman on the other end of the phone just wanted to ask me a few questions. Sometimes (just sometimes, is that too much to ask?) I wish everyone had the same sense of humor as me.

Here, my friends, is how the conversation went:

CC: “Do you have any kidney problems?”

Me: “Um, no, not at the present time. Unless you consider the time I ran home from the bar in the cold…then there was a problem. Oh, but I guess that would have been a bladder problem, uh…never mind.”

CC: Slight pause…“Good. Are you claustrophobic?”

Me: “No, I have no problem going into those tanning booths and closing the coffin-like lid.”

CC: “Ah…okay, you probably don’t want to tell us that since we’re a cancer center and we don’t recommend using tanning booths.”

Me: “Oops…sorry. I haven’t been tanning in a while, but, no worries, I’m not claustrophobic.”

CC: “Alright then, we’ll see you on Monday.”

Dammit, I couldn’t even get a little snicker out of her. I must be losing my touch. Thank God, my oncologist has a better sense of humor.

 

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Feisty Friday

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E’s Elucidations – Drink Brass Monkey, Here’s How You Feel

Dearest Blogospherians, please accept my sincerest apologies for taking so long in getting another installment of E’s Elucidations together. With some gentle prodding and excellent topic suggestions from the lovely Rachel over at Whostheboss, I got my ass in gear and am happy to present my child’s take on drinking and alcohol:

WHY DO YOU THINK ADULTS DRINK ALCOHOL?

E: Um, hmm… probably because they think it tastes good so it gets really addicting to drink.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ALCOHOL TASTES LIKE?

E: I’m not sure.

HOW DO YOU THINK ALCOHOL MAKES YOU FEEL?

E: Calm and relaxed because when people drink alcohol they are always sitting back and relaxing.

WHAT DOES GETTING DRUNK MEAN?

E: When you drink a lot of alcohol and then it makes you crazy.

HOW MANY DRINKS DO YOU THINK IT TAKES TO GET DRUNK?

E: Five or ten.

SHOULD YOU DRINK AND DRIVE?

E: No, because you might get in a car accident because you’re crazy and drunk.

WHY AREN’T KIDS ALLOWED TO HAVE ALCOHOL?

E: Because it’s bad for them. Their parents probably don’t want them to get drunk because they’ll get crazy and swear.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF SOMEONE OFFERS YOU ALCOHOL?

E: Say “no” and run away.

IS BEER WORSE THAN WINE?

E: Yes, because wine is made from grapes so it’s healthier and beer is mostly alcohol – that’s what I’m guessing.

WHAT IS A HANGOVER?

E: I have no clue.

Hope you enjoyed that! Now, I’m going to go grab myself five (or ten) beers and relax!

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Bitch, bitch, bitch

Today the dog was barking frantically…no big surprise since this is a frequent occurance. My daughter looked at me and said, “I know what he’s saying.” “Really?”, I replied. “Yes”, she said, “He’s saying, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!”

I gave her my “you’re in big trouble look” and she said, “WHAT? Bitch is just a female dog.”

Damn, she’s good – she’s already outfoxing her dear, old Mom.

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