The South Biatch Diet

I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share this dull bit of information with everyone, after all, you’ve heard it all before: Blah, blah, blah I’m fat; whine, whine, whine I need to go on a diet. I’d just like to prepare you for what you may be encountering when clicking on this here blog in the next few weeks. It may not be pretty. It certainly will be bitchy…and ranty…and possibly annoying (Oh, wait that’s really not much of a deviation from the norm, is it?). Because I am about to, yet again, venture into the sucky wonderful world of dieting.

I’ve decided it’s time to pull out all the stops and get my ass back into shape. Several years back (after I’d gained a whopping 50-some lbs. when pregnant with my daughter) I decided that I’d had it with being a fatty. I wasn’t too keen on the dieting thing; after all, it had never really seemed to work for me. I have no willpower and dammit, if I see a Cadbury Mini Egg (thankfully that only occurs around Easter) or any form of dark chocolatey goodness I can’t say “no”. Yes, yes, yes is the only thing I’m thinking when it comes to chocolate.

One day at work I was perusing the interwebs and stumbled across a site devoted to the South Beach Diet. I was intrigued by the testimonials and thought to myself, “Hmmph, this might be something I could do.” As soon as the clock struck five I was off to the grocery store to collect my South Beach Diet necessities. As most of you probably know the first phase of this diet is the WORST. No dairy, no fruit, no carbs, no sugar, no alcohol (yeah, right), pretty much anything that tastes good is a no-no. Shit, I thought, what the hell am I going to eat- paper? As I read further I found that this diet allowed for plenty of eggs and poultry. So, I figured as long as I could eat my way through the chicken coop I’d be fine.

The first week of the diet was dreadful. I chose to go hard core and was eating the bare minimum. Except that I cheated – with the alcohol. Yep. There was absolutely no way I was going to go through this hell and fore-go my wine. Like I said, the first week was brutal; I was a whiny, crabby ass bitch. If I hadn’t at least treated myself to the wine I probably would have stopped strangers on the street and punched them in the face.  As I progressed into the second week of the diet I noticed that I was no longer hungry all the time. Once the sugar and carbs were completely out of my system it was smooth sailing. The payoff: 14 pounds lost in two weeks. Yipee!

Once my body adjusted to this new food regimen it became a way of life for me and I continued on with Phase One for several months (even though you are only required to follow this phase for two weeks) and again, the payoff was sweet: I lost 62 lbs. in six months. I was thinner than I had ever been. The funny (and awful) thing about the dramatic weight loss was that people started asking me if I was ill. Haha. I wanted to scream, “NO…but YOU will be ill if you keep asking me that question.” Shit, a chick just can’t win. Either you’re too fat or too skinny.

I was able to keep the weight off for approximately three years…and then…well, you know how the story goes. You fall in love, you eat out at fancy restaurants, you sit on the couch and snuggle, you cook gourmet meals for your loved one, you go to movies and share gargantuan buckets of buttery popcorn, you sit on the couch some more, you eat more, and eventually you are fat and happy – well, sort of. And then the relationship ends. And then you are just plain fat…and unhappy. That is where I am at today. Thankfully, I don’t have such a drastic amount of weight to lose. I’m not thrilled about going through the South Biatch Hell Diet again but I’m going to give it a whirl. After all, what have I got to lose…except for the weight? (Mwahahahaha, I love stealing corporate slogans, especially when I’m not going to use the corporation’s diet!).