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Posts Tagged ‘attitude’

It’s only just begun, but so far I’m having a pretty good week. I’m adjusting to the diet, am not so cranky, and am down 7 lbs. Wish it was more…but I’ll take the 7. It is my lucky number, after all.

I just got back from the dentist – it was a routine cleaning and I happened to mention that my upper front tooth has been aching as of late. Upon further investigation, the dentist decided that I was grinding and clicking my teeth while I slept (I’m quite aware that I do this, thanks to those that sleep with me next to me) which, in turn, is causing traumatic injury to my front teeth. So, super dentist girl (I love my dentist – she is GREAT) grabbed her tools and ground down my teeth in hopes of preventing me from damaging them further. Ugh. The sound was the worst part…I can’t even bear to hear someone brushing their teeth so the sound of my own teeth being ground down was more than I could handle. But hey, it was soooo worth it because now the teeth are less likely to bang against each other during the night. Phew. She did suggest that I get a mouth guard to wear at night. Fun. I can’t even keep a pair of socks on whilst I sleep so I’m pretty damn sure I’m not going to keep anything in my mouth for more than a few minutes while sleeping (well, at least not a plastic mouth guard).

As I was saying, the week is going well, even the tooth issue didn’t cause too much stress. I’m really trying hard to maintain a new attitude and not let minor (and even some major) things bother me. Heh. We’ll see how long that lasts – see how positive I am?

After visiting the dentist I went directly to Timmy Ho’s and grabbed two sugar loaded Boston Creme donuts had coffee with my usual group – which consists of several males and females that range in age from 38 – 80ish. The group is a veritable mishmosh including several of us who are artists, a former member of the CIA, a chef, a Vietnam Vet, a retired banker, the Mayor of a neighboring town, and an engineer. This makes for very interesting, off-the-wall morning conversation.

However, this morning was starting out differently. As I was sipping my coffee the gentleman sitting next to me leaned over and quietly said, “Boy, did you ever, in a million years, think you’d be sitting here having coffee with all these old folks?” Wow, when you put it that way, no…no, I never pictured myself having coffee with the geriatrics. I sat and pondered that statement for a bit. Now, normally, I would have bemoaned my situation and wished that I was amongst a young, hip crowd. But my new, positive self just laughed it off because I really DO enjoy spending time with all these wonderful, eccentric people.

As I was getting ready to leave, two of the gentleman walked out with me and one of them said, “Keep your chin up hun, it’s got to be tough trying to find someone, but it will happen.” Holy hell. That came the fuck out of left field. Did I forget to wear my strong, independent, I-don’t-need-a-man red lipstick? Did I have that I-wish-I-was-gettin’-some-booty look? I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out what brought that statement on, but I just smiled and replied, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Even the fact that I am, apparently, wearing my singleness on my sleeve (or on some other part of my person) didn’t cause my inner crabby ass bitchiness to appear.

Why this sudden change in attitude? Because lately I’ve been thinking alot about all the wonderful blogfolk that I’ve met (cyberly-speaking) and encountered through this blog and how your support and encouragement has gotten me through many proverbial bumps in the road. Knowing that I can sputter, spew, whine, lose my shit, be super duper sarcastical and just be myself here makes life much more tolerable.

I walked to my car and smiled thinking of you all…and also about the fact that my teeth will no longer be banging together!

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It happened in high school and it’s happening now. Frankly, I’m not terribly fond of the fact that my defense mechanism for self-preservation is being a bitch, but hey, when you find something that works for you…go with it.

I was picked on quite a bit in high school and I grew a very thick skin from all the ridicule. I was not about to cry and run away when anyone harassed me. I stood there and took it; sometimes it was so horrific that all I wanted to do was scream and run away, but I had a mission – I wanted to prove that I was bigger and better than they were. No one was going to break me. I could take it…and the more I took, the thicker my skin became. I copped a major attitude. I became a bitch. Eventually, they knew better than to lay it on me. I didn’t mind my new found assertiveness. I had power. I was no longer someone that could be messed with.

Gradually, I shed the bitchiness. I didn’t need it any longer. Oh, it flared up every once in a while when I needed it, but for the most part it was gone. These days I find myself needing it. Needing it to get through this rough point – needing it to defend myself against life. I feel like I’ve been the nice girl for too long and it’s gotten me nowhere. I’m so fucking fed up with everyone and everything. I’m bitter, and once again I’ve become a bitch. It helps me get through, for some reason it makes me feel in control and invincible. Nothing can shake me. So, for now I’ll keep my thicker skin, my ‘I’ll take no shit from anyone attitude’…until someone or something breaks me (which will inevitably happen) and I shed it once again. But for now I’m keeping it, I like the way it feels. Look out ya’ll…the bitch, she be back!!

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