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Posts Tagged ‘kids say the darndest things’

876230_sliced_bread1

I always buy whole grain bread. The other day while shopping, E wanted me to buy white bread. Her argument, “It’s more convenient. When you’re in a hurry to eat you can just mush it up into a ball and pop it in your mouth.”

Great. So healthy.

Sheesh…kids these days.

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gender

Every year the fifth grade class at my daughter’s school has a week-long unit on sex education.  My daughter is in fifth grade this year. Oh, joy!

It’s a pretty basic, straight-forward unit. The kids spend a week learning about self-confidence, grooming, puberty, reproduction, etc. At the end of the week there is an evening presentation that is to be attended by both parents and students. So, one evening we all cram into one of the little fifth grade rooms, sit in the chairs that are far too small for our adult asses and listen to the presentation. Most of the kids sit next to their parents. My daughter and several of her friends know what is coming and are too embarrassed to sit next to their parents so they pull up seats close to the front of the room.

The presentation consists of summarizing what our children have learned throughout the week, followed my a short video explaining puberty, sexual intercourse and child birth…in graphic detail. The pictures and information were shot at them so fast it left most gape-mouthed and blushing. But the boys in the back of the room…they were bursting out in fits of giggles. One of the boys was giggling so hard it was difficult to ignore. I attempted to hold in my laughter but as the boys rolled in the aisles when the words “penis”, “vagina” and “erection” were mentioned, I shook uncontrollably and a few chuckles escaped my lips. So much for being a good roll model.

By far, the best part was after the video when I happened to hear the boy sitting next to me say to his father, in a very matter-of-fact manner, “I knew all of this stuff already”. I just about choked. Turns out, the boy is on my daughter’s “Boys I Like List”. As we left the room, I tugged at her arm and whispered in her ear, “Stay away from Dxxxxx”. God, that’s ALL I need!

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dsc00890

E and the dogs were playing with her friends in the backyard and one of the kids inadvertently left the gate open. Uh oh. We know what happened next. The dogs escaped and started running around the neighborhood. Fortunately, the kids were quick and snagged the pooches before they got too far. After the incident, E emailed my sister (her aunt) and my sis shared the email with me:

“When I saw the gate was open, I started to shake. I knew Gus would run and run and wouldn’t come back. I knew Ridley would come back to the sound of mom’s voice, because to Ridley, hearing my mom’s voice was like the voice of a sweet angel calling to him!”

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bkcrown

Today girl child decided to share a little tale about her teacher. She said, “Mrs. C. puts on this old Burger King crown and pretends to be the Queen Mum, she speaks with an English accent and acts all weird”. Girl child shook her head and said, “Yeah, the crown is soooo old she had to laminate it so it doesn’t fall apart.” She stated further, “Yesterday when she put the crown on and started to be the Queen Mum I asked, ‘Are you the Burger King Queen Mum’?” Oh boy. Yep, she’s definitely my spawn. I told her she has to be careful and not be too snarky with the teacher. She said, “Oh, Mrs. C laughed so hard and then so did everyone else.” Phew. Everyone loves a smart ass…right?

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photo by me

photo by ~ me

We were in the car driving home the other night and Lenny Kravitz’s “American Woman” was on the radio. I started singing…”American woman, stay away from meeeee” and from the back seat I hear, “Mom is a naked woman, when she sleeeeeeps”. Oh.my.God. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed the car.

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You wake up in the morning with a 95 lb. dog sleeping next to you and your daughter is standing at the end of the bed laughing, saying, “He looks like he could be your husband!”

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I woke up this morning with cramps (ugh) so I went straight for the medicine cabinet to grab some ibuprofen. As I walked in the bathroom, opened the cabinet and grabbed the drugs, I heard this from the hallway (in a snide, 9 year old’s voice):

“Taking your tranquilizers today?”

Oy, she sure knows how to yank my chain. I was quite cranky when I woke up but her remark was so damn hysterical that I cannot stop laughing every time I think about it.

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