Me, me, me, me, me Meme

Seeing as I’m such a clepto I stole yet another meme. I’m not sure what has possessed me to expose all this info on the interwebs. Shit, ya’ll pretty much know everything about me already, so what’s the harm? I’m not sure where they were going with this particular meme other than to see how many of us would incriminate ourselves. I’m always a sucka. Try it yourself if you dare! Here we go:

• Over 21? Yes (that’s a stupid question. If I said no was someone gonna stop me from going any further?)
• Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes (among other places)
• Ever told a lie? Yes (oh boy, now you’re gonna call me a liar)
• Been arrested? Yes (not for anything exciting…trespassing when I was in high school. meh!)
• Kissed a picture? Yes (but not since I was a mere child)
• Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes (here’s a good story – used to work as a paralegal the year I graduated from college. I still had the college drinking urge so my dear friend and I would go out just about every night. {thanks JLCB – gonna get you to comment on here somehow!} The next day I would go to work at the ass crack of dawn, lock the doors and try to sleep off my hangover in my boss’s office. Luckily, he was a very busy man and was rarely in the office…and he’s dead now so I can tell this story, thanks Bill)
  
• Held an actual snake? Yes (several)
• Ever run a red light? Yes (but never got a traffic ticket for doing so)
• Ever drink and drive? Yes (I know, I know, I’m bad. I was young and foolish)
• Been suspended from school? No
• Ever been fired from a job? No
• Been in a fist fight? No
• Sang karaoke? Um…does PS2 High School Musical count?
• Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes (all the time…it’s a constant battle of good vs. evil in my head)
• Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes (KoolAid, Beer, Milk…ouch)
• Ever gone “under the knife?” Yes (more times than I care to remember)
• Ever laughed until you wet yourself? Yes (but my favorite trick is getting drunk and walking home in the cold – that will make me pee for sure)
• Ever been dumpster diving. Hell Yes. (one of my fave pastimes in college. The flower shop dumpster was right next to our favorite bars…we’d get all liquored up and then go diving for glorious fresh flowers to bring home with us or to plaster over some guy’s car that we had a crush on)
  
• Kissed in the rain? Yes (done more than that in the rain. Note to you gals – remove your eye makeup prior to fooling around in the rain as the streaming, acid rain will cause your makeup to run, which will, in turn, cause severe burning of the eyes, resulting in coitus interruptus)
• Sang in the shower? Yes
• Sat on a rooftop? Yes (peed on one, too)
• Ever witnessed a crime? No
• Thought about your past with regret? Yes (shoulda, coulda, woulda)
• Been pushed in the pool with your clothes on? Yes (been pushed into the pool with clothes off also)
• Skinny dipped? Yes (more often than not)
• Had sex in a public place? Yes
• Blacked out from drinking? Yes (I think…or was I just napping?)
• Taken naked pics? Yes (and no, you can’t see them!)
  
• Cried yourself to sleep? Yes (more than I’d like to. I’m a baby)
  
• Fired a gun? Yes
• Liked someone with nobody else knowing about it? Yes (I don’t think his wife would have liked the idea, though)
• Played strip poker? Yes
• Been to a strip joint? No
• Donated Blood? No (shame on me – but I’ve had bloodwork done a gazillion times, does that count?)
• Liked someone you shouldn’t? Yes (always)
• Have a tattoo? No
• Been to jail? No
• Have or had any piercings? Yes
• Made out with a complete stranger? Yes
• Had a one night stand? Yes (oh boy, the guilt is piling up)
• Caught someone cheating on you? No (didn’t catch him – he admitted to it)
• Mooned/Flashed someone? Yes (used to be the queen of tittie flashing)
  
• Been to a rodeo? Yes (Yee Haw! I loves me some cowboys!)
• Been to a NASCAR race? No
• Been in Love? Yes
• Met a celebrity? Yes (and had dinner with them)
• Been on TV? Yes (when I was 8…in a puppet show on PBS – do you want my autograph?)
• Know how to cook? Damn skippy
• Slept outdoors? Yes (every night in the summer whilst growing up – how else would I be able to sneak out and smooch the boys?)
• Spent the night in a snow cave? No (I’m not frickin’ Grizzly Adams)
• Slept with someone knowing you didn’t like them? Yes (oh boy, more guilt)
• Smoked? Yes (glad I wasn’t asked what I smoked)
  
• Ever done drugs? Yes (crap, this is incriminating. If you’re my lawyer and are reading this, please disregard this answer)
• Thought you were going to drown? Yes (when I was 7 yrs. old and we were at the beach – I slipped off the drop off and was flailing to get my head above water. My Mom said “I knew you would make it to the surface” as she sat on the beach and watched as I crawled my way out of the water)
• Play an instrument? No (heh…well…does the skin flute count?)
• Bungee jumped, skydived, based jumped, etc? No (no desire to – would parasail, though)

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E’s Elucidations – If You Ain’t Got No Money, Take Yo’ Broke Ass Home

I’ve decided to spare ya’ll the bitchiness that is accompanying my path to great ass-ness and instead will share with you the unfaltering wisdom of my young one. I’m happy to bring you another installment of E’s Elucidations. This one’s all about the cold, hard cash.

IS MONEY IMPORTANT AND WHY?

E: Yes it is important because you need it to help yourself survive and get food and clothes.

WHEN WAS MONEY INVENTED?

E: Probably when there were only a few people on earth.

WHERE DOES MONEY COME FROM?

E: It probably came from the Europeans.

WHY ARE THERE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MONEY?

E: If you had to pay $10 and you only had $5 you would need a different kind of bill.

WHAT DOES A BANK DO WITH EVERYONE’S MONEY?

E: It keeps people’s money in a safe so it won’t get stolen.

WHAT ARE CREDIT CARDS USED FOR?

E: Charging and buying things and then you get a bill and have to pay for the amount you charge on your credit card.

DO YOU THINK CREDIT CARDS ARE A GOOD IDEA?

E: Yes, because if you don’t have the money you can just charge something on a credit card.

WHAT IS A 401(k)?

E: Never heard of it.

HOW DO RICH PEOPLE GET RICH, AND POOR PEOPLE GET POOR?

E: Rich people get rich because they probably have a very good job and they get $20 an hour. Poor people get poor because they can’t find good jobs and live on the streets.

DO YOU HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD TO MAKE MONEY?

E: Yes, because the harder you work, the more money you get.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE WANT MORE MONEY WHEN THEY ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF IT?

E: Probably because they want to buy something expensive and need more money to buy it.

IF YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHAT WOULD YOU BUY?

E: Lots of Webkinz and the charms, clothes and bags for them. And I’d buy my Grandma & Grandpa a convertible for the summer.

IF YOU WERE POOR HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

E: Sad, because I wouldn’t have any money for food.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP THE POOR?

E: Give them money, food and shelter.

E: Are we done yet? That’ll be $1.50, please.

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Tooth Fairy Interrogation

My daughter is 9 years old, in 4th Grade and still believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. It’s great that she still believes. I think I was in 3rd Grade when I realized that they weren’t real. She’s very headstrong (hmmm, wonder where she gets that from?) and even when the kids at school tease her about her Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy beliefs and tell her they aren’t real, she stands her ground and defends them. Maybe it’s because her mother has always given into her clever little note writing schemes she comes up with prior to the visitation from one of these make-believe characters.

From the time she could write she has always insisted on leaving notes for Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Now, these notes are not just cute, elementary pleasantries. Oh no, these notes are downright interrogations. Some are worse than others. The Tooth Fairy usually gets a full-on questionnaire, while Santa’s note is a bit more laid back. Here is an example (this is from last night, and she commenced with an introductory note, which is not typical):

Hahaha – “your fairy loving friend” – I love that part! She’s just trying to sweeten up the Tooth Fairy so she’ll answer the grueling questions that she’s left for her. I tried to tell her that the Tooth Fairy is so tiny that she probably can’t write. She didn’t go for that. She says, “Come on, she’s magic, she can fly and take kid’s teeth so she has to be able to write.” Here are the questions submitted for the dear little Tooth Fairy:

Luckily, my child sleeps like a rock because now not only do I have to swipe her tooth from under her pillow, but also this note – plus, I have to carefully sneak the fully answered note back under her pillow. And wouldn’t you know it, tonight she woke up when I was grabbing it. She was pretty much in a sleep stupor but still asked, “What are you doing?”. I replied, “Trying to get Percy (her cat) out of your room so the Tooth Fairy isn’t frightened.” Then boom…back to sleep she went. Phew! So, now I get to practice my teeny tiny writing skills. Oh, and let’s not forget the glitter. I can’t remember how that all came about. I guess she figured fairies have their share of fairy dust a.k.a. glitter…and this time she wants it all over her pillow? Um, no…not gonna happen kiddo. The Tooth Fairy checked the “no” box, but did leave a little glitter on the note – cuz she’s sweet like that.

Apparently, my daughter doesn’t believe that the Tooth Fairy’s real name is “Tooth Fairy”. She asks that question every time she leaves her a note and the Tooth Fairy’s answer is always the same – “Tooth Fairy”. I suppose one of these days she’ll give out her real name. I’m thinking “Tiny Flossy” is her real name.

The bottom part of the note was cut off by my scanner but she left a section for “Notes” – so the TF jotted a quick note asking my daughter to please make sure the cat is out of her room when leaving a tooth because he frightens her. Ha! See, I told you so, honey.

I know ya’ll are going to ask, so yes, the TF listed her fairy friends/friends (Santa, Easter Bunny, Leprechauns, Gnomes, Elves, Good Girls & Boys); and, of course, she drew a picture of herself (honestly, she’s so tiny she looks just like a squashed flea).

It is fun to keep playing along with her whims but I wonder how long it will take for her to catch on? Maybe not until she’s sixteen since Mom is so stellar at playing make believe!

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E’s Elucidations: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Alrighty kids, my newest weekly post – E’s Elucidations – is now ready for your reading pleasure. I want to thank each and every one of you who submitted questions for this riveting interview…enjoy!

WHY DO PEOPLE BREAK UP WITH EACH OTHER?

E: Probably because they are angry with each other and they are frustrated…and they call each other names.

HOW DO YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE?

E: First you say “I don’t feel like being with you anymore”, and then you might call each other names and then you just leave each other.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE?

E: I’d probably say “I don’t want to be with you anymore because I’m getting annoyed with you and I really don’t want to be around you anymore.”

WHERE DO YOU BREAK UP WITH THEM?

E: It could be anywhere – in your house, at a restaurant, outside, at an amusement park…anywhere (not in outer space, though).

CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH A GUY IF HE’S A BAD KISSER?

E: Um, yeah because if he’s a bad kisser you might not want to kiss him anymore.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE YOUR EX’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY AFTER A BREAKUP?

E: I would say, “I broke up with my boyfriend because he just wasn’t my type, and he wasn’t very friendly”. I wouldn’t stay around their part of the family…I might hang out with the friends still – if they were nice.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH TEXT MESSAGES YOU ALL THIS CRAZY STUFF LIKE, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU LATELY? DO YOU WANT TO BREAK UP? WHY ARE YOU SO DISTANT? CAN YOU JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM VIA TEXT MESSAGE?

E: I would have to talk to him personally to let him know my personal feelings and so he could see the expressions on my face.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE OTHER PERSON STARTS CRYING?

E: I’d say “Sorry, but you are just not my type, and I’m really sorry because I just don’t feel like being around you anymore.”

WHAT’S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT BREAKING UP?

E: I’d say it would be hard because if they were a good cook you’d miss their food, or if they owned something together they’d have to decide who gets what.

SHOULD MARRIED PEOPLE BREAK UP, AND WHY?

E: Yeah, because that’s the most popular type of breaking up. If you were just girlfriend and boyfriend that’s not really being together a lot. If you’re married you’d live together and it would be hard to live with someone you didn’t like.

WHY DOES IT TAKE SOME PEOPLE SO LONG TO BREAK UP?

E: Probably because you like each other and you like being around each other and you feel so close but then they start doing things without you and you feel left out.

 

Maybe we can all learn something from a 9 yr. old’s insight! Please feel free to send me suggestions for next week’s topic. Toodles….

**Illustration by E**

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All You Need is Love

Since my nine year old daughter believes that she is an expert on everything I thought it would be fun to ask her some questions about dating, love and marriage. And now, for your entertainment…

WHAT DO PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

E: They talk about themselves so they get to know each other better. And they sometimes drink beer and wine and go to a restaurant.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

E: I’d say its okay when kids aren’t around and its in a quiet room (with lights on and stuff) right after you’re talking about yourself and stuff.

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

E: Its better to be married so you have the dad to take care of the kids and help – so you won’t be alone and have your hands full.

WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE?

E: Probably because girls think men are handsome sometimes and they laugh a lot – and men think women are hot and cute because some have slim bodies.

WHAT DO YOU THINK FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE?

E: I think it is very dreamy, you just doze off . You’re calm and relaxed and thinking about getting married.

HOW DO YOU MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

E: You dress up nice, put makeup on to make all your zits go away, lipstick and eyeshadow, and nice clothes. Men would wear a suit and tie.

WHAT DO YOU THINK MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”?

E: I’m gonna have a good life with this man or woman. I’ll be happier, I won’t be alone.

HOW DOES A PERSON LEARN TO KISS?

E: Probably from their parents because they kiss with their husbands and kids see it.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

E: Um, I’d say 32, because most people don’t have babies when they’re really young.

HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE LOVE LAST?

E: By being nice and dreamy to each other.

And there you have it…from the wisest of the wise!

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