Posts Tagged ‘snark’

I woke up this morning with cramps (ugh) so I went straight for the medicine cabinet to grab some ibuprofen. As I walked in the bathroom, opened the cabinet and grabbed the drugs, I heard this from the hallway (in a snide, 9 year old’s voice):

“Taking your tranquilizers today?”

Oy, she sure knows how to yank my chain. I was quite cranky when I woke up but her remark was so damn hysterical that I cannot stop laughing every time I think about it.

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The 9 year old is quickly approaching 10, which in our little world = days full of smartassedness and snark.

Here is just a sampling of some of the comments she’s made over the last few weeks. I’ve got my hands full and can’t imagine what it will be like in a few more years. I may be sending out the smoke signals sooner than later.

  • After asking a question and me delaying a response she had this to say:

“My password journal responds faster than you do.” (And if you scream at me and throw me against the wall like you do with the journal…there’s going to be BIG trouble!)

  • In response to me saying that she argues about everything with me:

“Not everything, only 1/12th of everything.” (Damn her teacher for teaching her fractions!)

  • After discussing the fact that knee socks are worn in the fall/winter, not in July she says:

“Oh well, it’s a free country, and I’m wearing them.” (Have at it, sister; those shorts and tank top look splendid with knee socks.)

  • After spending the day at the girl’s program she’s in this summer and having to deal with a cranky, underachieving program director she had this to say:

“Ms. Xxxx wasn’t very nice today. She was a shit.”

Um, yeah, so if anyone is interested in borrowing an almost 10 year old for the next few years please let me know.

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Alright fellows, I’m going to help you out a bit, because I’m nice like that. What I have here is a little list I came up with after my blind date last month. These are not rules, no, no, no…just a list of things you should NEVER, EVER say on a blind date (or any other date for that matter). And, of course, as always I couldn’t resist commentary:

  • You’re a very attractive woman, why haven’t you been married? (Why? Because I date schmucks like you)
  • I married my first wife because I didn’t want to be lonely; I married the second wife because of her outfit. (Wow, third time will be a charm, huh?)
  • Dinner was excellent; I’m fuller than a tick. Do you mind if I finish the wine? (Go right ahead, I just got queasy)
  • On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate me? (On what?)
  • Maybe you haven’t been married because you chase men away? (Maybe there’s a reason I chase them away. Start running, boy)
  • What would you say the high points and the low points of this date were? (Geez, I didn’t know I was going to be quizzed. I didn’t study, can you give me more time?)
  • By the end of the night do you think you’ll be able to tell if you like me? (Oh, I can already tell…)
  • Do you want to see all of my tattoos? (If you roll up that other pant leg I’m gonna belt you)
  • I prefer my women to wear short skirts and high heels. (Well, I guess you’re out of luck then)
  • You don’t, by chance, have a skirt and pair of heels in your trunk, do you? (Yeah, right next to my whips, chains and fetish gear. Duh.)

Needless to say, the guy didn’t have a chance for a second date. Gentlemen, please, please, please, if you’re going to take me out, kindly refer to this list before you open your mouth. Great. Thanks.

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