Octopus or Eel, anyone?

Apparently, the long weekend brought out the freakishness in folk as you can see by the search terms that landed people here:

Anus fuck (ok, not sure where that came from…I don’t believe I have ever mentioned anus on here…hmmm…maybe the search engine droid can now read minds. Uh-oh.)

Therapy when you ain’t got no money (that would be called self-help)

Sushi whore (yes, I am)

Stupid monkey (yes, they are)

If you ain’t got the cash pay with you’re a (wondering what the ending of this line could be?)

Really serious stuff (it’s all right here, folks)

A god will suck on an egg, if a dog can (ummm…not sure what they were searching for with this one)

Hong Kong Fooey’s cat (well, first, I believe it’s spelled ‘Phooey’ – and his cat’s name is Spot…welcome)

octopussy or eels in her ass holes (what, WHAT?)

Monkey fucker (ick…who’d what to fuck a shit slinger?)

Blah, blah, blah I’m a dirty whore

Dirty rotten whore (are you sensing a pattern here?)

Rainy day strap on (how about an any day strap on?)

Do real fairies like dogs (good question, and good luck with that one)

How to slap someone brutally (you’ve come to the right place; step on up, I’ll show you)

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Sticker Shock

While at the mall the other evening my child and I decided to take a look-see at some of the new vehicles that were being displayed throughout the concourse. Lovely, lovely, shiny new vehicles.

Since last week’s catalytic converter issue and proceeding emptying of my wallet, I have been thinking about getting a new vehicle. I am particularly fond of Volkswagon Passat Wagons (yep, a wagon – because I’ve got to make room for the dog boys, don’tcha know). Ever since I read Allison’s post about her Volkswagon and it’s purple dashlights I’ve been convinced that I must have one.

Lo and behold, as we were walking around the concourse my eyes focused on a spectacular site – a luscious green VW Passat Wagon. We strolled over, eyeing it lovingly. We stood in front of it for several moments oooing and ahhing. I got in and sat, and admired, and sat a bit longer. My daughter said, “Oh, can we get it? Pleeeease?” It was brand new so I knew there was no way in hell I could afford it so I said to her, “Probably not this one, but something similar”. And then it happened. The salesman spied us and swooped in for the kill (or so I thought). But no, this was no ordinary salesman because he opened his mouth and this is what came out: “Wishful thinking, huh?” My jaw dropped. I couldn’t speak. Why on earth would anyone say such a thing? Especially a salesman! I figured it was best that I not engage him any further as I didn’t want my child to witness her mother sputtering profanities in the middle of the mall. She saw “the look” in my eye and she gets frightened when momma starts to get enraged, so I glared at him as I grabbed my daughter’s arm and stormed away.

Of course, his remark got the child thinking and the conversation went something like this:

Child: “Mom, what did he mean, ‘wishful thinking’?”

Mom: “Well, honey, it appears that the gentleman had ESP and he could tell that I don’t have enough money to buy that particular car so he thought he’d be a smartass and tell me something I already knew.”

Child: “Huh, he’s an imbecile and…and a jackass.”

From now on I’m just going to let her handle situations such as these. I think the shock value from hearing a 9 yr. old utter those words would have been far more priceless than any comeback I would have hurled his way.

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Feisty Friday

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OMG

I’ve been toying with the idea of changing the title of my blog. I originally intended this blog to be more family oriented; you know, kids, dogs, life, blah, blah, blah, boring, blah, blah, blah. Well, life threw me a curve ball and, what can I say, I went a little off course with the contents. As we know, this blog is NOT family oriented. In fact, its quiet the opposite, so I casually mentioned to my daughter that I was thinking about changing the title. She responded, “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. The title is very childlike – it sounds like a first grade title or something.” I asked her what she thought I should call it and she said, matter-of-factly, “Shit and Dung”. This caused a freakish chortle to emit from my person, followed by hysterical laughter and eyes blurring with tears. Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t encourage her, but how could I not laugh? I couldn’t even compose myself long enough to ask her why she suggested that title!

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How the Hell Did You Get Here?

In my never-ending quest for useless and odd information I decided to take a look see at what search terms folks are using to get to this here blog and this is what I found (to my dismay):

• cyst in kidney
• dog + sweet tarts (wtf?)
• Wow words
• lazy stuff (What exactly is lazy stuff?)
• cysts caused by tumors
• I’m afraid to be alone I’m addicted to my… (my what…I want to know…don’t leave me hanging)
• fun quotes
• pics of cancerous tumors (ick, seriously, you want to see that people?)
• words of wisdom
• cancerous tumor in bladder polyp
• what you need to be lazy (again, with the lazy shit? Should I change my header?)
• picture of kidney polyps (ick, ick, and more ick!)
• causes of searing pains in mid torso (sucker punches, karate chops…)
• dogs wow words (whoa, does somebody actually think dogs can talk?)
• crazy dog car ride (ha! I think I just found the name for my new band)
• lazy addiction (oh yes, that’s what I want to be addicted to)
• cysts + polyps

Okay, you get the idea. How frickin’ pathetic. Not even ONE single amusing search term. Give me some ‘pirate booty’, ‘pink plastic pimpmobile’, ‘screaming meamy bitch’ search terms damn it!!

I write one stinking post on Polyps, Cysts and Tumors, Oh My! and this is what I get?? A couple ‘lazy’s’ and one ‘crazy’ thrown in and that’s it? WTF? Should I just go ahead and rename the blog IrreCYSTable?

Oh yeah…the picture…it’s a colon polyp…search and ye shall receive!

 

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