You’re so Vain

E came home from school the other day and told me of a conversation that she had with a friend. She was talking with this particular friend and the friend was complaining that her new flip flops were very uncomfortable. The friend said “I have to be cute so I have to wear them.” E said, “It doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters what’s inside”. Her friend replied, “I always have to be cute”. Sheesh, these girls are only 9 years old!

After E relayed the story, she blurted out, “I bet if I look up the word ‘vain’ in the dictionary it would have a picture of Xxxxxx underneath it.” Woooooo…she’s got snark, just like her momma.

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Crack that Whip

Last night after dinner I told the girl child that I would show her how to do the dishes. She’s 9 yrs. old and it’s time for her to fulfill her daughterly duties. I filled the sink for her, got everything ready for the demo and showed her the dish washing ropes. No big deal, easy as pie. I stepped away and went into the living room to see if she would complete the task without supervision. Pretty soon I heard moaning and grumbling. And then I heard her whine, “This is soooooo gross I’m going to gag.” You would have thought I asked her to drink her own urine, not wash dishes. Sheesh! I asked her what the problem was and this is the conversation that ensued:

E: “This is disgusting, there’s all this food and stuff on the dishes”.

Me: “Um, yeah, dear, we just ate off of those plates and that is WHY you are washing them. What did you expect would be on them? What’s so gross about it?

E: “Well, it’s just gross. I don’t want to touch your uneaten food.”

Me: “Most of the food has already been washed off by the water.”

E: “I can still see it floating around in the water and there’s sticky stuff on the plates.”

Me: “Get used to it. You’re up against a lifetime of dirty dishes.”

E: “Just because YOU had to do dishes when YOU were young doesn’t mean I have to do them.”

Me: “Hey sister, we’re not talking about me. Who do you think you are? Just because you’re named after a queen doesn’t make you royalty. You’re a mere peasant around here and you are required to help out. Now, get to work and finish those dishes”.

Tune in next week when I tell her she has to clean the litter box. Bwahahahaha!

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First Kiss

I received this email from a friend and felt the need to share it…thanks Kate!

The First Kiss

It’s your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And…should you use your tongue?

Then you say,

“What the heck”…

and just go for it!

…

…

…

…

…

Bwahahahahahahahha! Blehck!

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Aunt Url

I was having some trouble with a particular URL last evening and as I was cursing and pounding my computer keyboard, my child looked at me queerly. I knew she had something brewing in that wildly creative mind of hers. I woke this morning to this drawing on her dry erase board:

Bwahahahahaa…that is one U.G.L.Y. Aunt Url. She informed me that it is pronounced “Earl”. Hahahahhahhaaaaa! I think Aunt Url needs to get herself to the nearest salon and have a waxing. Ugh.

UPDATE:

Here you go Rachel and Moonbeam – the complete family!

Uncle Virus looks pretty harmless, except for the snotty nose. Not sure what happened to poor Usbee – she’s even scarier and hairier (with a handlebar mustache, no less) than Aunt Url!

Side note: Sometimes my child’s mind frightens me!

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E’s Elucidations – If You Ain’t Got No Money, Take Yo’ Broke Ass Home

I’ve decided to spare ya’ll the bitchiness that is accompanying my path to great ass-ness and instead will share with you the unfaltering wisdom of my young one. I’m happy to bring you another installment of E’s Elucidations. This one’s all about the cold, hard cash.

IS MONEY IMPORTANT AND WHY?

E: Yes it is important because you need it to help yourself survive and get food and clothes.

WHEN WAS MONEY INVENTED?

E: Probably when there were only a few people on earth.

WHERE DOES MONEY COME FROM?

E: It probably came from the Europeans.

WHY ARE THERE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MONEY?

E: If you had to pay $10 and you only had $5 you would need a different kind of bill.

WHAT DOES A BANK DO WITH EVERYONE’S MONEY?

E: It keeps people’s money in a safe so it won’t get stolen.

WHAT ARE CREDIT CARDS USED FOR?

E: Charging and buying things and then you get a bill and have to pay for the amount you charge on your credit card.

DO YOU THINK CREDIT CARDS ARE A GOOD IDEA?

E: Yes, because if you don’t have the money you can just charge something on a credit card.

WHAT IS A 401(k)?

E: Never heard of it.

HOW DO RICH PEOPLE GET RICH, AND POOR PEOPLE GET POOR?

E: Rich people get rich because they probably have a very good job and they get $20 an hour. Poor people get poor because they can’t find good jobs and live on the streets.

DO YOU HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD TO MAKE MONEY?

E: Yes, because the harder you work, the more money you get.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE WANT MORE MONEY WHEN THEY ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF IT?

E: Probably because they want to buy something expensive and need more money to buy it.

IF YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHAT WOULD YOU BUY?

E: Lots of Webkinz and the charms, clothes and bags for them. And I’d buy my Grandma & Grandpa a convertible for the summer.

IF YOU WERE POOR HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

E: Sad, because I wouldn’t have any money for food.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP THE POOR?

E: Give them money, food and shelter.

E: Are we done yet? That’ll be $1.50, please.

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