E’s Elucidations: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Alrighty kids, my newest weekly post – E’s Elucidations – is now ready for your reading pleasure. I want to thank each and every one of you who submitted questions for this riveting interview…enjoy!

WHY DO PEOPLE BREAK UP WITH EACH OTHER?

E: Probably because they are angry with each other and they are frustrated…and they call each other names.

HOW DO YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE?

E: First you say “I don’t feel like being with you anymore”, and then you might call each other names and then you just leave each other.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE?

E: I’d probably say “I don’t want to be with you anymore because I’m getting annoyed with you and I really don’t want to be around you anymore.”

WHERE DO YOU BREAK UP WITH THEM?

E: It could be anywhere – in your house, at a restaurant, outside, at an amusement park…anywhere (not in outer space, though).

CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH A GUY IF HE’S A BAD KISSER?

E: Um, yeah because if he’s a bad kisser you might not want to kiss him anymore.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE YOUR EX’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY AFTER A BREAKUP?

E: I would say, “I broke up with my boyfriend because he just wasn’t my type, and he wasn’t very friendly”. I wouldn’t stay around their part of the family…I might hang out with the friends still – if they were nice.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH TEXT MESSAGES YOU ALL THIS CRAZY STUFF LIKE, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU LATELY? DO YOU WANT TO BREAK UP? WHY ARE YOU SO DISTANT? CAN YOU JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM VIA TEXT MESSAGE?

E: I would have to talk to him personally to let him know my personal feelings and so he could see the expressions on my face.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE OTHER PERSON STARTS CRYING?

E: I’d say “Sorry, but you are just not my type, and I’m really sorry because I just don’t feel like being around you anymore.”

WHAT’S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT BREAKING UP?

E: I’d say it would be hard because if they were a good cook you’d miss their food, or if they owned something together they’d have to decide who gets what.

SHOULD MARRIED PEOPLE BREAK UP, AND WHY?

E: Yeah, because that’s the most popular type of breaking up. If you were just girlfriend and boyfriend that’s not really being together a lot. If you’re married you’d live together and it would be hard to live with someone you didn’t like.

WHY DOES IT TAKE SOME PEOPLE SO LONG TO BREAK UP?

E: Probably because you like each other and you like being around each other and you feel so close but then they start doing things without you and you feel left out.

 

Maybe we can all learn something from a 9 yr. old’s insight! Please feel free to send me suggestions for next week’s topic. Toodles….

**Illustration by E**

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Thanks, but No Thanks

I do want to thank everyone for their concern and support over the last few weeks during the big “break up” but, I have to ask that you please, please, please cease and desist with the fucking clichés. If I hear one or more of these phrases uttered again I’m afraid I will have to crack you in the skull:

• Everything happens for a reason (right, Grandma gets hit by a bus, children are murdered…for what reason?)
• What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger (or more bitter)
• There’s a light at the end of every tunnel (hopefully not the light of a train engine as you are running through that tunnel)
• There are plenty of fish in the sea (well, sorry, I’m not a fisherman)
• When one door closes, another one opens (sure, when its really windy)
• If you love something set it free…(why would you do that? I love my dogs but I am certainly not going to set them free, they’d frickin’ run rampant and get hit by a car…oh yes, back to the top – everything happens for a reason)

Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, do people actually think this shit is helpful? It’s a bunch of hooey. Why don’t you stop beating the dead horse because you are certainly barking up the wrong tree!

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Does it get any better than this?

Sure, everybody has a bad day, bad month, bad year…whatever. Isn’t it fair to say that sometimes we just deserve a break? Apparently, I am not getting that break. Now, I am not requesting any sympathy, nor soliciting donations, I would just simply like to tell this tale so I can get some things off my chest.

First, I break up with the boyfriend (I may as well have been in a coma for the last two frickin’ years), then the dog takes a flying leap at the window, smashes through the glass and slices his paw open (requiring stitches) and then the cat runs away (frankly, I can’t blame him, I would have run, too, if I could have). Okay…doesn’t sound so bad? Well, let me expound. The dog, my just-turned-one-year-old Golden Retriever/Yellow Lab-full-of-energy-and-determination, is required to have this massive array of bandages on his paw which he cannot get wet or dirty. Each time he has to go outside I must: 1) put the paw in a heavy duty plastic bag, wrap it with tape; 2) cover the plastic bag with a sock; 3) place yet another plastic bag over that and wrap it with more tape so it clings to his leg. Fun, fun, fun – and this procedure is carried out no less than 6-7 times per day. Just imagine how entertaining it is for me struggling with a willful, can’t-sit-still-for-longer-than-one-second pup, all the while getting tape stuck everywhere.

He also must take antibiotics three times a day and typically the last dose, which he takes at 10pm, causes stomach upset. The relentless vomiting all over my bedroom floor usually commences at 2am.

Three days after the bandage is applied he decides that he no longer wants it on his paw and rips it off. One more trip to the vet to get extra supplies of bandages and tape, and to have the wound checked. The good news – his wound is healing nicely, the bad news – the bill. Yikes. Oh, yes, and did I mention he is NOT allowed to run, jump, take walks, or otherwise be a dog for the next two weeks? Uggghhh! So, I am pretty much house bound when I really should be getting out and about trying to forget about “the breakup”.

The dilemma is how to keep him busy. I have now spent tons of money on bones, toys, and whatever I can think of to keep him busy enough to keep his mind off of chewing his bandages. Not to mention I’ve bought stock in Johnson&Johnson & Ziplock with all the medical tape, gauze, non-stick pads and plastic bags I’ve purchased thus far. Cripes, two more weeks of this!

The bandage on his paw must be throwing off his equilibrium because he has tipped over his water bowl twice in the last few days. The water pooled on the floor is unavoidable so he trots right through it necessitating yet another bandage change.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this we loose a cat. He has been missing for one week now – I think. Everything is such a blur, at this point I don’t even know what day it is. We’ve put up posters all over the neighborhood, but alas, no word about poor missing kitty. Luckily for me he was not my daughter’s favorite so she is not distraught, however, his brother misses him terribly and sits in the window waiting and wailing. Annoying.

Late yesterday afternoon as we are hurriedly getting ready for a Halloween party we get a call from a woman who says she believes she has our cat. We get our hopes up and run over to collect him only to find that it is not him, but his brother. She explains that she saw our poster and thought it looked like him. Apparently, she is legally blind because the two cats DO NOT look alike. She is pregnant so I spare her the kick in the crotch that she so obviously deserves and angrily return home.

No one has died (except maybe the cat), nothing has exploded, and my house has not burned down so I should be grateful. But I am feeling pretty shitty about being short one boyfriend, one normal dog, and one cat. I wonder if this story is over.

11/3/07 Update (not that anyone is reading this): the boyfriend is still “ex”, the dog is on the mend, and the cat was hit by a car and killed. Ugh.

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