Alright fellows, I’m going to help you out a bit, because I’m nice like that. What I have here is a little list I came up with after my blind date last month. These are not rules, no, no, no…just a list of things you should NEVER, EVER say on a blind date (or any other date for that matter). And, of course, as always I couldn’t resist commentary:
- You’re a very attractive woman, why haven’t you been married? (Why? Because I date schmucks like you)
- I married my first wife because I didn’t want to be lonely; I married the second wife because of her outfit. (Wow, third time will be a charm, huh?)
- Dinner was excellent; I’m fuller than a tick. Do you mind if I finish the wine? (Go right ahead, I just got queasy)
- On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate me? (On what?)
- Maybe you haven’t been married because you chase men away? (Maybe there’s a reason I chase them away. Start running, boy)
- What would you say the high points and the low points of this date were? (Geez, I didn’t know I was going to be quizzed. I didn’t study, can you give me more time?)
- By the end of the night do you think you’ll be able to tell if you like me? (Oh, I can already tell…)
- Do you want to see all of my tattoos? (If you roll up that other pant leg I’m gonna belt you)
- I prefer my women to wear short skirts and high heels. (Well, I guess you’re out of luck then)
- You don’t, by chance, have a skirt and pair of heels in your trunk, do you? (Yeah, right next to my whips, chains and fetish gear. Duh.)
Needless to say, the guy didn’t have a chance for a second date. Gentlemen, please, please, please, if you’re going to take me out, kindly refer to this list before you open your mouth. Great. Thanks.
Two Lazy Dogs 
Like your list 🙂
Thanks!
Did all of those quotes come from that one guy on that one and only date? 😯
Yes, they most certainly did. One guy, one date, one big mouth full of hooey.
That is crazy! Did you end the date prematurely?
As prematurely as possible. Unfortunately, he had decided he wanted to dine at a restaurant that was a 45 minute drive from my home. So, I had to sit through these lines all through dinner and then on the drive home. Ugh.
What a creep! Geesh! Love the list and your commentary! 😆
Yes he was. Thanks!
all from one guy? oh…I don’t miss that.
Yes.just.one.guy. Can you imagine?
I remember you messaging me after the ‘experience’. I seem to remember the window popping up on my screen and it said something like:
“OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!!!”
Oh yes, and if you recall I had much more to say! Heh. Stupid I-qualified-for-the-Olympics-Tae-Kwan-Do-certified-scuba-diver-Karate-
champ-I-love-myself-and-I’m-just-gonna-keep-talking-about-me jerk.
I am queasy from just reading this~WOW~here’s your sign-LOL!
Yeah, imagine it in real life. Gah!
Hilarious!! This is why I’ve never agreed to be set up on a blind date.
Believe me, I wish I hadn’t agreed to it, but it was a favor for a friend. Ha, some friend.
That dude scared me. I would have taken a taxi home. I would have been afraid he’d bring me down a long dirt road to nowhere and that would be the end of me. “I’m fuller than a tick” SICK!!
It was like one of those scenes from a movie – I went to the restroom and looked for a window to sneak out of, but there wasn’t one! Yes, the tick reference made me gag on my last bite of food. He was from Texas and said it was a common phrase. I said, “Well, I certainly have never sucked the blood out of someone/something until I was replete”. He just gave me a queer look. He didn’t get it.
Wow, that sounds like a pretty exciting date. I would have kept egging him on, just to see what more he could possibly say to make the date worse.
Oh, I did sort of keep him going, being the wicked antagonizer that I am. At one point I figured, “What the hell, I may as well have fun with this”. And then he proceeded to tell me every single detail of his life for the last 12 years. I think that was far worse than the one-liners.
Whips, Chains, and fetish gear? I really would like a look at your trunk. 😉
Yeah, right next to the jumper cables and the body bag. You never know what you might need whilst traveling. Heh.
Wow – I can’t believe these all came from one guy. It must have been torture to sit through all that. I love your commentary though. I’m almost sorry to be enjoying your pain. Almost. But it’s too funny. I can’t resist. 😉
I had to wait a month to post this for it was just too painful to re-hash. hahahahaha. And that wasn’t even ALL of it. There were some things that I chose not to include.
Oh, Teeni, go ahead and enjoy my pain. I’m laughing about it now!
No!
No. Way. These things were actually uttered.
i am married and don’t miss dating at all.
i mean, what is hard about just talking to a person?
The tattoo one made me laugh!
<<<>>>
Way!
Yes, c, these words actually came out of the mouth of a human being (I think). A very base human being, at that.
The tattoo bit pushed it over the edge. I was afraid he was going to rip off his shirt in the restaurant. Ugh.
Aw.
In the arrows were good vibes.
Damn codes…
You’re joking, right? All of this came out of one guys’ mouth? It’s hard to imagine! Fuller than a tick got me! I have never heard that before. Unbelievable!
I wish I were joking. That will be the first and last blind date that I will be going on. I did have some awesome snarky comebacks which made it all worth while!
Hi 2,
I am most confused after reading your post. While I admit that I have never been on a blind date, or a date with anyone other than my wife in the last 30 years or so, I still vaguely recall that the concept was for two people to have fun together wile getting acquainted. The discussion you describe sounds more appropriate for Guantanamo Bay or closing a property deal than a dinner date.
My suspicion is that you, and your “dates” are jumping the gun a bit in some sort of rush toward a desired conclusion rather than enjoying the dating journey. I also suspect that whoever is setting you up with these guys may be holding a grudge against you. So, find your own dates lady; it doesn’t seem like it could turn out worse.
the Grit
Hey Grit,
Oh, no, no, no…me and my “dates” are not jumping the gun in some sort of rush toward a desired conclusion. The only rush would be the one I make toward the nearest exit. I do believe my “date” had other expectations for the evening.
I was only doing this ‘blind date’ thing as a favor for a friend – I don’t believe they were holding a grudge against me. They just had NO idea this guy was such a freak. I’m perfectly capable of finding my own dates, mister.
Comebacks in order: (it’s always easy to have comebacks when it’s too late to actually use them)
1. I prefer to just suck the life outa them while we’re dating. Saves time!
2.Was the outfit a skirt and high heels?
3.I suggest a shot of Frontline instead.
4. PG-13 would be a better rating system.
5. See #1.
6.They are one and the same.
7. Oh, yeah. I like you…..in a chipper/shredder!
8. Do you want to see my Kotex pad?
9. I prefer my men to have brains.
10. (your answer was perfection here!!)
What a loser………………
Sorry you can never get that time back, kiddo.
Aww, shit, Trisha…you’re the best! I’m bringing you with me next time. Oh, wait, there won’t BE a next time. Hahahahaha.
Luckily, it was only a few hours…could have been worse.
Oy.
*shakes head*
Thankfully, I can’t imagine a situation where I’d say anything on the list EXCEPT for number one. I can, unfortunately, envision a moment where my mouth would outrun my brain and marvel at the miracle of your single-hood.
I’m a guy, I say dumb things sometimes. But I’d like to think I could recover from one dumb misstep.
Things I would rather know:
“Are you enjoying the wine?”
“What was the most enjoyable part of your day?”
“What (from the menu) sounds good to you?”
“If we order dessert first, is that wrong?”
“What are your plans for the summer? Any interesting projects coming up?”
…I’m sure there are more, I just can’t think of them at the moment…
…I’d try to think up more, but I’d rather just let the conversation flow on it’s own.
I would never imagine that you would say ANY of those things (one more reason I SMIT thee). Sure, everyone has a dumb moment…but this guy was just an honest to goodness ego-maniacal idiot.
So, when are we going to have a dinner date? Heehee 😉
I’m having one of those days where I’m looking at flight schedules and dreaming of being half-way there already…
If only… 😦
“I prefer my women to wear short skirts and high heels.”
Do you also prefer giving them a 20 before you sleep with them? 🙂
Hahaha…that is precisely what I was thinking! At one point he pointed to a scantily clad woman and I replied, “That’s what you want? She looks like a ho. Go and get her, tiger”
I’m fuller than a tick.
End of date. Period.
Obviously, this guy is a douchebag.
Wowzers.
~m
Obvioulsy, a douchebag. Thank God I never have to see him again!
OMGosh!
Yes, schmuck. Totally!
Yep, schmuckity schmuck!
Wait.. That was all from the one guy?
What a catch.
Yes. One guy. Do you want him? Ha!
OMG!!!!!!!!! And no blind dating for me 😉
No…I wouldn’t suggest it! How are you Kaylee? I’ll pop over to your blog and check on you.
I am Sharing the Love at my place!
Thanks, M. I’ll be over in a bit!
If you didn’t scratch’em up when you threw the spiked heels in on the whips and chains … I’d love to see the whips and chains, lol
Seriously, I wouldn’t have even read that thing if you hadn’t been making fun of two of my favorite cousins with that cartoon!
oh well… you’ve probably heard all this before…
hilarious stuff 2lazer…
Hey LarryG,
Thanks for stopping by. Nope, didn’t scratch ’em up – come and take a look.
Your two favorite cousins, huh? Sheesh, we must be related then.
Beautiful.
Yes, being from Texas, sadly I have heard “fuller than a tick.” Trust me. It doesn’t go over well here, either.
My last real date a few months ago…nice guy, kinda boring, talked about his mom alot. WTF? Mentioned that his mom was a rambling conversationalist. And then he proceeded to give me a blow-by-blow synopsis of a trip he took to California.
No clever anectdote.
No clear plot. Like, I’m thinking, “Is he getting to the funny part soon, or like, some major thing that happened, a movie star he met…SOMETHING??”
He was just…rambling. For ages. I began to understand why he had mommy issues. Usually, I don’t smoke on a date, especially with non-smokers. But after 40 minutes into this California story from hell, I began to light up & chain smoke. Hell, get me a drink too.
So, then I start rambling on about my shrink, and how he told me I really shouldn’t date for the next 12 months. You know, thinking it would scare him off. He just cut me off, saying “Oh, and when I turned left on Highway XX, just south of San Bernadino, my turn signal made a funny sound, and…” Somebody. Please. Shoot me.
At the end of the night, he told me I was a “fascinating person” (don’t know how figured that one out, as he did 99% of the rambling), and that he really felt a “connection”
Really? A connection to the rope I wanted to strangle you with???
You have my sincerest sympathies, girl. Dating sucks.
Oh boy, sorry you had a bad experience as well. Gah. Dating does suck. Funny, my blind date talked about his mother alot also. WTF? Momma’s boys.
It was quite an awful experience for me and even more awful when he leaned in for the kiss at the end of the night. I think I whipped my head around so quickly I got whiplash. Damn, I was hoping to avoid all contact but he grazed my cheek. Ha.
oh btw… for those uninformed about the “tick” phrase…
a mattress use to be called a tick – and a one that was full (of feathers vs cornshucks) was a good thing and that is where “full as a tick” comes from – has nothing to do with the wee vermin…
Main Entry:
2tick
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English tike, probably from Middle Dutch (akin to Old High German ziahha tick), from Latin theca cover, from Greek thēkē case; akin to Greek tithenai to place — more at do
Date:
15th century
1: the fabric case of a mattress, pillow, or bolster; also : a mattress consisting of a tick and its filling
Hey LarryG,
Thanks for the info. Interestingly enough, the blind date, who was from Texas, explained to me that it meant just what it sounds like (full as a tick from sucking blood). Maybe the Texans (sorry Evyl & BizyLizy) choose to use that reference.
Who says that? Talk about a lack of social skills.
Hey Chad,
Thanks for stopping by.
Exactly, who does say that? Honestly, I have never experienced such a dimwit, and hope to never again!
I’m a Texan.. and I certainly don’t say “full as a tick” gross!
Oops…sorry Girly, didn’t know you were a Texan!
Okay, three things:
1. Fucking hilarious.
2. This guy really said all this and you stayed after he uttered comment #3?
3. This freaks me out because I was about to finish a post by the same name. Weird, eh?
Annie
Hi Annie,
1. Thank you. I’m glad my misery is entertaining. Ha!
2. Yes, I stayed. I probably should have made some heaving noises, maybe that would have gotten him to take me home sooner.
3. Weird…very weird.
well he was an ignoramus and a blow hard…
what’s that old saying about the 10 inch belt buckle and the 2 inch…
Yes, yes he was.
Oh…he didn’t even have a ‘real’ belt, per se – it was some weird kind of braided hippy/girly thing. Ahhhh…that explains it all.
WOW. Here I thought you were making a lifetime list of things and it’s all from ONE MORON? Amazing. I’m not sure how you managed to survive the drive home. I would have put my fist through the car window then impaled my jugular vein on the shards.
But it sure made for a great blog post!
Hi Maleesha,
Thanks for stopping by.
Yes, hard to believe that these were all from the mouth of one man. Honestly, I can’t even remember the ride home, I think there may have been so much stupidity floating around the air that it made me pass out!
Please, please PLEASE don’t tell me that all came from one dude, but if I read what you are saying correctly yes I think it did!?!!?!? Wow the world is suddenly a much creepier place for a single chick, kindly pave the way!! 🙂
Hey Romi,
Yes, yes, yes these all came from ONE dude. I was trying hard to pave the way, but alas, I’m afraid I can no longer subject myself to this torture!
2Ld, I think I just busted a gut reading this. Holy hell, are you kidding me? Seriously? OMG, “I’m fuller than a tick.” I think I would have puked!
I’m dying here. JEEZ! Say it isn’t so, this is stuff that doesn’t happen in real life, right? I’m just flabberghasted right now!
Hi JQ,
It was pretty entertaining, wasn’t it? I think I stuck it out because in my mind I was already writing the blog post. Hahahaha. Little did he know I had ulterior motives!
I was pretty floored that all that bologna could come out of one person’s mouth. I mean, really? Shit. And I thought stuff like that only happened in the movies.
You mean you couldn’t tell by my accent that I’m a Texan?? 😆
You know, I didn’t really detect an accent. Hahaa!
Oh….oh my. Where did this gem come from? It makes me wonder if I have buddies who are like this on dates. I feel the need to coach people like this.
Sorry you had to spend an evening like that. Sounds like a drill on teeth.
Yes, indeed, where did he come from? I’m guessing Assholeville. Gosh, I hope you’re buddies aren’t like this on dates – maybe you’d better chaperone.
It wasn’t quite like a drill on teeth…but I did feel my skin crawl…ick.