Yes, the lack of deliciousness in my diet is getting to me. I feel like I’m eating dirt and twigs – that’s how fucking bland this diet is. Blehck! I’m pissed. I’m grumpy. I’m sick of eating the same shit day in and day out. I’m trying to keep my mind off of it by staying busy…which I am able to do most days. Today…it was another story. I had too much time on my hands and every few minutes my mind wandered – to chocolaty goodness land, to icecreaminess land, to ANYWHERE but frickin’ dirt & twig land. I then tried to redirect my pissiness. I wasn’t too successful with that and now I’ve ended up with a nice little list of shit that pissed me off today.
#1 The school drop off loop. At my daughter’s school there is a parent drop off loop that I use every morning. It’s the same routine every day: you pull your car up to the head of the loop, let your kid get out of the car and watch them dash into school. Simple, right? Holy hell. I wish it were that simple. For some reason I always seem to get behind these idiot women who take FOREVER to unload their kids. Why does it take them so long? I’ve paid close attention lately and here is why: because they are talking on their cell phone, lighting a cigarette (or crack pipe), fixing their hair in the mirror, reading a book, or painting their nails (I made the last two up but they are possibilities). They can’t just pull up and dump their kid off. They have to sit there for minutes on end while traffic is backing up behind them. Today I sat behind a vehicle and started to boil as I saw, not the mother, but the daughter sit and play with her hair in the mirror for what seemed like 5 minutes. I was furious. Come on, my kid needs to get into school and YOUR kid should have done her frickin’ hair in the mirror at home…not in your blasted car taking up MY time in the loop.
#2 Parties of two who decide to take the largest frickin’ table in a restaurant. Oh.My.Gawd. I want to smack these people. I was having lunch with the girls today (no…not my boobs, my girlfriends: 3 of them + me = 4) and I arrived at the restaurant first to find that there were no 4-tops available. BECAUSE the only two tables that could seat 4 were being occupied by couples…yes COUPLES…2 PEOPLE…not 4. What the hell? There was a plethora of 2-top tables. But, oh no, do you think these folks could be considerate and sit at those? Nooooooo. So, we had to sit at the bar and wait until these morons were finished before we could be seated. Grrrrrrrr.
#3 People at the grocery store with carts filled to the frickin’ ceiling who refuse to let ANYONE ahead of them…even those of us with just one measly item in our paws. Arrggggghhhhh. Motherfuckers. These people need to be tied to the back of a car and dragged…to frickin’ Egypt (well, actually probably somewhere in the States since you couldn’t technically drive to Egypt). I always…yes, always, let someone in front of me if I have a shitload of groceries to purchase and the person behind me has a pack of gum…or even an armful of stuff. Don’t these people know how annoying it is to wait…and wait…and wait…when all we want to do is pay for our frickin’ tampons (or whatever) and get out of the store?
#4 Let’s just continue with the grocery store tirade, shall we? This one is for Kate…and all my other short friends who can’t reach the top shelf at the grocery store. The shelves are always neatly faced first thing in the morning. By mid-day the shelves have been picked over and the items that do happen to be left are so far back on the top shelf you’d need an arm extension to grab them. Hey, Captain Hook, can you come here and help me grab this can of corn? Now, how the hell are people supposed to reach these things? In my grocery shopping experience I’ve had more than one person ask for my assistance (it helps to be a 5’10’ Amazon woman) in reaching an item on the top shelf. We are at the grocery store…to shop…for things on the shelf…things that should be easily accessible. How hard is it to send one of the grocery boys (or whatever the hell they call themselves these days) around to reface the shelves mid-day? Isn’t that what they’re there to do anyway? Oh wait, we wouldn’t want to bother those busy little boys who are collecting shopping carts in the parking lot and playing “wheelie” as they ride them to the cart stall.
#5 People who have NO idea what the center turning lane is for. This drives me absolutely crazy. What the hell do people think that middle lane is for? Do they think it’s some new fangled “walking lane” for pedestrians – so they can safely walk down the middle of a frickin’ street? How hard is it to figure out what that lane is for? Oh.My.God. I want to ram my car into the back of the next motherfucker who doesn’t use that lane to turn and remains in front of me to turn left.
Wow, that was quite a bitchfest. I feel much better now. That is all for now. Over and out.
Two Lazy Dogs 
Wow, I feel like your kindred spirit. I’m a ranter/venter/complainer and THAT was a hell of a rant!
All justified and well put! And I’m 5’10 too!!
And as for twig & dirt land, just keep it up. I’m in awe that someone could have that kind of willpower, so kudos to you! The payoff will be worth it, as you’ll be proud of yourself and feel better!!
Thanks, Talea. I hate to be Ms. crabby-pants but hell, there were just TOO many things that pissed me off today and I had to get it all off my chest!
And thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m going to hang in there seeing as I’m 4 lbs lighter this week. Just wish there was an easier, quicker & more delicious way to shed the pounds…you know, like the wine & chocolate diet?
I’ll make this easy;
#1 AirHorn. Use it often.
#3 Airhorn Use it then kick the stupid bastard out of line. If it’s an elderly person, they’re a pushover (yew, I’m kidding. Come on folks!)
#5 Once again: Airhorn.
It’s the ultimate “life-aid”, IMHO
Thanks for the visit today.
~m
Wow, an airhorn. Now, why didn’t I think of that? First thing tomorrow I’m running to the airhorn store and will purchase the finest, shiniest, largest, loudest airhorn money can buy.
Oh, you are so welcome (for the visit!), the pleasure was all mine.
Hang in there Ms. Crabby-Pants, you can do it. 🙂
Ahhh, I’m all too familiar with the drop off/pick up loop – sumbitch! This can throw a teetering person off the edge.
How about the parents that want to see their child physically make it all the way into the building before they pull away?
What about the BLEEPing! person who tries to double park to get their kid – duh, aren’t you suppose to be teaching your child not to walk in front of a parked car?
My favorite, the person who doesn’t feel they need to wait in line, they try to go around everyone in the loop – uh, don’t think so Mr. Sneaky-Sneakerson!
Love the rant, I feel your pain! Hang in there 2LD!
I’m glad you can relate. I didn’t even mention the parents who get out of their car to escort their child into the school – there is a blaring yellow sign right in the loop that reads: “DRIVERS ARE TO REMAIN IN VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES”. Apparently, these parents are illiterate.
Ha, Ha, Ha Crack pipe! It stuck me as so funny, like they would have to take a hit just to get driving again! It was good rant and I can relate to all of it, having been on a twig diet before. It taught me to really appreciate the wine and chocolate combo, but a 4lb weight loss is great too! You can do it! Keep on bitching!
Thanks, DDTD! Ohhh, the rant felt so good…but the wine & chocolate combo would feel even better. I’m just focusing on that as my reward – it gives me something to look forward to so I can push on through this diet!
#3 – The comedian Emo Phillips said that the grocery store is the perfect place to get a sense of what Eternity is like:
Imagine it’s a sunday morning in the checkout line and the person in front of you has a mountain of groceries.
And all the labels are missing.
It’s the clerks first day.
And she only speaks spanish.
And the customer with the groceries is writing a check, from a foreign bank.
And she only speaks korean.
And all the other clerks are on break.
Add a few minutes to that, and you start to get a sense of what eternity is like……
Hahahahaha! Excellent allegory.
2LD – LMFAO! I hear you, girl. What is the sh*t diet you’re on? Sounds like you need to switch to something more fun. I like atkins – lots of good yumminess there.
As to point #2 – it’s likely they didn’t seat themselves but were seated by a host or hostess – so the brainless one would be an employee and go get them.
As to point #3 – I’m with you completely. I always let people ahead of me if I have a boatload and they have one or two items – or if they are elderly and are doing the palsey dance.
As to point #4 – it’s all about marketing. Companies pay grocery stores to position their items in an ideal slot the middle three or four shelves. So stuff at the top is not supposed to be easy to reach you see, you are being trained by great marketing minds to take the path of least resistance and pick the items from the easily accessible shelves. Tricky, eh?
And would you mind if I added one to your list? WTF is up with this tiny little font in the comment boxes and posts? Are we like supposed to have our magnifying glasses with us at all times? 😉
WC
Hey WC,
The shit diet I’m on is the South Beach. The first two weeks are brutal – no dairy, no fruit, no carbs, even certain veggies aren’t allowed. I’m pretty much eating nuts, eggs, tuna, celery, and sunflower seeds every day. One more week and then I can add fruit and some grains. Yipee!
As to point #2 – unfortunately, I cannot blame it on the host/hostess. It was one of those restaurants where you seat yourself, so those folks chose to take the biggest tables.
As to point #4 – I did not know that! That is a sneaky trick and I do not like it at all. Maybe I will have to approach the management at my local store and tell them that they will have to start paying ME to assist customers with top shelf items unless they start restocking. Heh!
I’m with you on the tiny font. I’ve been thinking about changing my theme. I just haven’t found one that offers both good design and a larger font.
2LD
you know what pisses me off?
people who sneeze with their mouths open
friends who put strangers on the phone expecting you to remember them from some godforsaken one time meeting.
old time friends who call you up one fine day and keeps talking without revealing who they are..
i should probably stop now before turning ur comment section into a damn book.
👿
Oh…yuk…people who sneeze with their mouths open – definitely a pisser-off-er! And people who chew with their mouths open, too! Hey, maybe you should go ahead and post your own pissed off list – I’ll come read it. 😛
niCE POST 🙂
Thanks, Kaylee. I’m going to go check out your blog now.
Glad you feel better. I good rant does that for me as well. And about the center lane. There is a special spot in hell for asswipes that use the center lane as an extra lane for two freakin’ blocks until they can merge into traffic. Damn I hate those fucktards.
Thanks, I do feel much better. Hahaha…fucktards…that’s my favorite word!
oh my gosh, how can parents NOT know about the “stop ‘n dump?”…if it were me I would tell my daughter to beat up that bitch who was doing her hair in the car for five minutes…hahaha, I can’t wait to have kids!! 🙂
Seriously, I ask myself the same thing every time I drop her off. It’s not frickin’ rocket science. It’s a pretty simple procedure! And actually, the girl that was fixing her hair was in my daughter’s class so I told my child to “give it to her” when she got into class. Heh. I’m a great mom. My daughter said she confronted her but the girl denied that it was even her in the car! WTF?
Of course, you know I love #4! Captain Hook!?! TOO funny!!! Thanks for the smile!!! 🙂 (there was the one time that I stood on the shelf to reach a box in the back of the top shelf and ended up dumping them off backwards into the next aisle! oops!!)
Of course! You are very welcome. Hahaha…dumping stuff off the shelf backwards is the best! That’ll teach ’em!
Great rant! Everybody needs one now and again. My pet peeve of the day? The “buy one, get one half price” gimmick. I don’t NEED two of the damned things!! I don’t want to spend the extra 50% but I feel like purefnevyl’s fucktard if I don’t spring for the half-priced one anyway!!
Hi Trisha,
Thanks! Sometimes you just need a great rant.
I’m a sucker for the buy one, get one…even when I don’t need 2 of the same. Maybe because it’s been ingrained in my brain – to save, save, save and be thrifty.
When Im at the grocery and Im standing in line, if I see someone with just an item or two, I’ll let them ahead of me … even if I dont have a cart filled to the ceiling. I always have plenty, and I’d hate to have to wait on someone if I only a thing or two…
Im a short person, at only 5’4, and when I can’t reach something at the top of a shelf at the grocery, I’ve been known to throw other things at it to knock it down, if noone is around to help me. Or I’ll just start hollering until someone comes and helps me. The first one works better though. Noone wants to help a crazy ass.
And please dont just stick to dirt and twigs. Dont deprive yourself of anything. You want some chocolately goodness? Have a bite. A bite. That’s it. You’ll be satisfied with the taste versus none at all.
Yeah, I just don’t get how people can be so rude when they have a frickin’ full cart and I’m standing behind them with only one item in hand. It’s not a big deal to let someone ahead. Sometimes I get so annoyed I make little hemming & hawing noises to let the person know I AM PISSED. Ha.
Haha…I likes the throwing other things to knock it down bit. That’s good, Red!
I did buy myself a big ol’ chocolate bar to reward myself when I’ve lost some poundage. I think I will just take an intsy teensy bite of it tonight…and savor the taste. MMmmmmmm!
Stop n’ dump?
hehahhaaa! I did that just a few minutes ago on my way to the computer room!
Bwahahahahaha! I knew I could count on you to comment on that phrase!
I’ve been doing weight watcher’s for a year and have lost 70 pounds. I have come up with some good snacks and recipes if you are interested. It’s a hard long road because I still have to lose 120 more pounds.
In a way I am lucky when I go to the grocery store. I am disabled and have to drive the cripple carts. I can’t reach anything above four feet but I always ask some guy in the aisle to reach for me. How can they refuse an old lady in a cripple cart. I use my cane to get stuff off the top shelves if I can’t find help but I usually end up knocking over mostly everything around what it is I want and oh well, there’s not much I can do about it. I also go as fast as I can so people pretty much clear the aisles for me. Granted, the thing only travels at a speed of about 4 mph. Old men with canes can go faster.
Holy cow! 70 lbs…that’s awesome! Good for you. I’m really struggling with the diet this time. I’ve only lost 6 lbs. in two weeks. I’m going to keep at it, though. I really do think my body is in starvation mode so I won’t drop the poundage. I need to eat more, I guess. I’d certainly be interested in your recipes. Thanks!
Heehee…I’m picturing you whizzing by in your cart! I always help anyone who needs assistance with the top shelf items because there NEVER seems to by anyone that works in the store at hand when someone needs assistance.