The List

Alright fellows, I’m going to help you out a bit, because I’m nice like that. What I have here is a little list I came up with after my blind date last month. These are not rules, no, no, no…just a list of things you should NEVER, EVER say on a blind date (or any other date for that matter). And, of course, as always I couldn’t resist commentary:

• You’re a very attractive woman, why haven’t you been married? (Why? Because I date schmucks like you)
• I married my first wife because I didn’t want to be lonely; I married the second wife because of her outfit. (Wow, third time will be a charm, huh?)
• Dinner was excellent; I’m fuller than a tick. Do you mind if I finish the wine? (Go right ahead, I just got queasy)
• On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate me? (On what?)
• Maybe you haven’t been married because you chase men away? (Maybe there’s a reason I chase them away. Start running, boy)
• What would you say the high points and the low points of this date were? (Geez, I didn’t know I was going to be quizzed. I didn’t study, can you give me more time?)
• By the end of the night do you think you’ll be able to tell if you like me? (Oh, I can already tell…)
• Do you want to see all of my tattoos? (If you roll up that other pant leg I’m gonna belt you)
• I prefer my women to wear short skirts and high heels. (Well, I guess you’re out of luck then)
• You don’t, by chance, have a skirt and pair of heels in your trunk, do you? (Yeah, right next to my whips, chains and fetish gear. Duh.)

Needless to say, the guy didn’t have a chance for a second date. Gentlemen, please, please, please, if you’re going to take me out, kindly refer to this list before you open your mouth. Great. Thanks.

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P.S. I need a buttload of Kleenex

Maybe it was the wine, or maybe my emotions were just askew; I’m not sure what it was, but I was a sobbing, sniffling sap last night. I watched “PS, I Love You” and I’ve got to confess; I started crying 10 minutes into the movie. Sheesh. That has NEVER, ever happened before. I’m a movie crier, no doubt about it, but 10 minutes in? No way.

“Sweet November” has always been my all time, cry-like-a-baby-until-my-chest-feels-like-it-will-implode movie. But, holy hell, I’m not sure what was up last night. I had assumed that since I’d seen the previews and knew the premise of the movie that I’d be able to handle the story line. But, oh no, it was exactly the opposite. I started crying a mere 10 minutes into the movie, and then about every 15 minutes, thereafter. Crap-o-rama, I was so stuffy and puffy that my eyes could barely focus to watch the remainder. And this morning I still have the after-crying-puffy-eyed syndrome. Geesh, you would have thought my husband died. Oh wait, I don’t have one.

I’m guessing that all you chick-flick-sappy-love-story-cry-your-eyes-out-sorta-gals will LOOOOOVE this movie. Grab some tissues (word of the wise – don’t drink too much booze beforehand, that only exacerbates the painful chest crushing sobs, which I would imagine are similar to the feeling a cat experiences whilst hacking up a hairball), and get ready to bawl your eyes out. Oh, and those of you who have seen the movie, I’d appreciate it if you could let me know what you think/what your reaction was…so I can make sure that I’m not just completely emotionally wacko. Thanks.

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Royal Bitch

For lack of anything interesting to write about I’ve decided to turn this into a wine review blog. Just kidding.

I have been drinking some interesting wines as of late. I have my favorites (all reds – mostly Cabernet’s, of course) but I’ve decided to venture out and try some new varieties. I’ve been making weekly trips to my favorite liquor store (seeing as I’ve been inducted into their wine club I feel compelled to spend some time there every week) and have been selecting wines for their interesting labels. I know, you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover wine by it’s label but some are too fun to pass up, like this one:

A fine 2005 Pinot Noir. It was very smooth, mild bodied, a bit fruity for my taste, but at just $8.99 a bottle – a keeper in my book.

The child saw the bottle sitting on the counter and, of course, had to comment; “Well, that’s inappropriate!”. Funny, I was thinking just the opposite.

She likes to make a big deal of the whole naughty word issue, even though if the mood strikes her she’s more than likely to spout a few of the words herself. I explained that the woman on the label was walking what appeared to be her purebred female dog – and because of it’s purebred status it could alternately be deemed royal – therefore the title royal bitch. I decided not to tell her the wine was probably named after her mother.

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Gus

Favored canine friend

Lazing in a sun drenched spot

Paws smell like popcorn

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What a Pain in the Back

I have been getting painting job after painting job after painting job. I can’t complain because this is what I wanted. I’m making far more cash than I ever did at my restaurant. Go figure. But, what I didn’t want, however, was to be injured on the job. It appears that on this last job – which consisted of priming and painting a gazillion miles of oak trim – I somehow managed to contort and twist in such a manner that I pulled the muscles in my lower back. I didn’t notice it right away, but as soon as I was finished with the job and could relax, that’s when the pain set in. Not only do I have some nasty bruises on my knees from crawling around on them all week (wish I could blame it on my night job – you know…the one where I’m a porn star?) but now I have to contend with a bad back. Shit, just add me to the list of walking wounded.

My next job starts Tuesday so I need to doctor myself this weekend and make sure I’m on the mend. So….there will be no cooking, no cleaning, no doing laundry, no washing dishes, no gardening, no walking the dogs, no nothing this weekend. I’m going to lay flat on my back, computer on my lap, books and magazines and tv remote at my side (GASP…I haven’t watched tv in about a month). And it looks like I will have to forego the diet this weekend as we will be ordering out. Mmmm…pizza. I can’t wait. It’s all good, though. I’ve dropped 10 lbs. thus far, yipee-tie-yie-yay! Now, if I could only find someone to go and grab me a triple shot latte I’d be all set. Can’t one of you fantastic souls out there in blogland figure out some way to get a fine coffee drink to my door? Thanks, I’d appreciate it very much-ly!

Oh…and I mustn’t forget – Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mothas out there!

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